Heather Diane Tipton

Going on hiatus

2010-06-14T12:27:00.000-05:00

Y’all have been with me on this blog for a very long time and I appreciate it so much. I’m putting this blog on hiatus for now as I’m going to be blogging on my new blog. The Trusting Nomad.

I would love you to follow me over there. I may blog here on occasion but not likely, if you want to know what’s going on with me, I encourage you to find me on The Trusting Nomad blog.

I’m off on a new adventure. Thank you for all of your love and encouragement.

Thank you

2010-05-04T12:43:00.001-05:00

Thank you

For accepting me

As I am

Forgive me for

Focusing more on those

That don’t understand

Who like to judge

I know it’s unusual

How I live my life

But I’m not sorry

If your perfect

Little Christian box

Gets upset by watching

Me live for God

I know no other

Way to live

Than this

Your judgment of my life

Won’t change how I live

To those who love

Me through this

Thank you

written by Heather Diane Tipton May 4, 2010

Trusting Nomad

2010-04-06T14:54:00.001-05:00

Come what may

Fully embracing
I trust You

Take my hand
Lead the way
Adventure awaits

Traveling nomad
One place forever

My roots
Security and stability
All in You

Trusting
Loving
Waiting

written by Heather Diane Tipton 04/2010

Robin Caroll

2010-02-19T01:08:00.000-06:00

Today it is my great pleasure to host a wonderful friend and her book. I remember critting this book as she was writing it and thinking it rocked even then.

Book blurb: A beautiful yet tough woman working in a beautiful yet tough setting. Brannon Callahan is a search-and-rescue helicopter pilot for the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Strong faith and a decorated history of service have kept her one step ahead of on-the-job dangers, but there’s no precedent for what’s about to happen. After a blizzard takes down a small plane carrying U.S. Marshal Roark Holland (a man already haunted by a recent tragedy), Brannon must save him in more ways than one and safeguard the donor heart he’s transporting to a government witness on the edge of death. Otherwise the largest child-trafficking ring in history — with shocking links from Thailand to Tennessee — will slip further away into darkness along the Appalachian Trail. Interview:

Hi, Heather. Thanks for hosting me..always a pleasure to hang out with one of my buds!

So, we've already heard how you got the idea for the book, all the research you did, and all that jazz. What I want to know is...which character do you most relate to?

Well, I could be noble and say Brannon, since she is the heroine, but honestly, I mostly related to the villain. LOL I tend to do that...don't know why. (And no smart comments from you, Heather) What I try to do when creating a villain is make them basically a good person, but whose life has gotten out of control and they're put in a desperate situation where they have to act on what's driving them--greed, love, jealousy, etc. I think everyone can relate to those emotions. It's how we act on them that makes characters either heroes or villains.

No smart comments? really? That's just wrong on so many levels... Okay, which character did you least relate to?

It was most difficult for me to go into Mai's pov, for several reasons. One, it wiped me out emotionally. Two, I was writing from a tween's pov. Three, I was writing from a foreigner's pov. But I think they're some of the strongest scenes in the book.

Now for some personal stuff. Dream you had as a child?

To be a best-selling author. Seriously.

In times of trials, lean further on faith or drift away?

Lean further on faith.

Moment of heartbreak....go to the phone or go to the throne?

Depends on how heartbreaking. Most often, phone and throne both. LOL

You've just realized your childhood dream. What's the first thing you do?

Uh, cry?

Best memory of your writing journey?

Hanging out with all my buds at ACFW conferences.

Always a blast to hangout with you! Finish this statement....If I could accomplish just one thing in my writing career, it would be....

to bring someone to Christ or to strengthen someone's faith.

Worst memory of your writing journey?

First rejection letter. I was so sure my story was awesome. LOL Boy, was I wrong. That first rejection letter STUNG.

Robin Thank you so much for coming by to hangout.

Thanks, Heather, for hosting me. It's fun to hang out with you!

Born and raised in Louisiana, Robin Caroll is a Southern through and through. Her passion has always been to tell stories to entertain others. Robin’s books have placed/finaled in such contests as Bookseller’s Best, Book of the Year, and Reviewer’s Choice Award. When she isn’t writing, Robin spends time with her husband of twenty years, her three beautiful daughters, and their four character-filled pets at home—in the South, where else? An avid reader herself, Robin loves hearing from and chatting with other readers. Although her favorite genre to read is mystery/suspense, of course, she’ll read just about any good story. Except historicals! To learn more about this author of deep South mysteries of suspense to inspire your heart, visit Robin’s website at www.robincaroll.com.

Dineen, Robin & me

Waiting

2010-01-19T14:03:00.004-06:00

Most people think I have the patience of Job… and when it doesn’t concern me, I do. I can wait on people all day long and be okay.

But, waiting on the Lord for myself, is a whole different thing. Most of the time, I handle it pretty well. I’ve done a lot of that in my life time, waiting on the Lord. I always know He has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11) for me.

Of late though, no matter what I ask of Him, His answer is always wait. It’s been His answer for a couple of months now. The strange thing is, before that, I was waiting on Him too… but now He is telling me to wait and somehow that makes it more frustrating.

Lord, should I move there? Wait.

Lord, can I do this? Wait.

Lord, I really need money/job to pay my bills that are overdue. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Last week, I was blessed in being able to go to a really great B&B and stayed a week. I went hoping that while there the Lord would speak to me, and guide me in what the next thing in my life is.

Instead, what I got was relaxation. I enjoyed myself and just relaxed. It was wonderful.

The day before I was to come home, wonderful friends prayed for me and when they were done, I was given Psalm 40:1-3 to read.

1 I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. 2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. 3 He has put a new song in my mouth— Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the LORD.

I will be honest, those first three words made me groan. But, then, hope started to bubble up. Just a little. That was a promise. Yes, I’ve read those verses many times in my lifetime but they spoke to me like never before, and took root.

There was one scripture that kept coming back to me over and over that whole week. It’s one of my favorite scriptures. But that week, it wouldn’t leave me alone. Isaiah 43:19

19 Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.

I came home, still not knowing what the next step is, but holding on to those scriptures as promises from the Lord.

Continually seeking Him, standing when I know not what else to do, and looking forward with great expectation of what is to come.

Come Out and Play

2009-10-30T16:26:00.001-05:00

Come out and play
Simple words to be sure

An invitation, a promise
Hope to be had
Endless possibilities

Insecure, vulnerable
Throw in a dash of scared

Stepping out
Come what may

Trusting, relying,
Leaning
I am my Beloveds

A Dare

2009-10-21T18:52:00.002-05:00

So today, I was given a dare. One that I have to do for a month. A dare that I accepted… albeit a little reluctantly.

Why reluctantly? I don’t know.

Perhaps because I know I need too and it scares me. Which I know is silly.

Maybe because I know it will bring about change, and given all the change I have in my life right now, and how well I handle change… even good change scares me right now.

So, I go into this dare with a little trepidation but secure in the knowledge that the Abba has me in the palm of His hand.

The dare: I need to say the following out loud at least once a day…ideally I need to have it hanging up on my bathroom mirror, in my bedroom, etc.

• I declare that I am blessed with God’s supernatural wisdom, and I have clear direction for my life.
• I declare that I am blessed with creativity, with courage, with ability, and with abundance.
• I declare that I am blessed with a strong will and with self-control and self-discipline.
• I declare that I am blessed with a great family, with good friends, with good health, and with faith, favor, and fulfillment.
• I declare that I am blessed with success, with supernatural strength, with promotion, and with divine protection.
• I declare that I am blessed with an obedient heart and a positive outlook on life.
• I declare that any curse that has ever been spoken over me, any negative evil word that has ever come against me, is broken right now.
• I declare that I am blessed in the city. I am blessed in the country. I am blessed when I go in. I am blessed when I come out.
• I declare that everything I put my hands to do is going to prosper and succeed.
• I declare that I am blessed.

The above is adapted from Joel Olsteen’s book Your Best Life Now

I challenge you to take the dare with me.

2009-10-18T14:07:00.002-05:00

You continually amaze me
A cloudless sky, beautiful blue
Big clouds, little clouds
Fluffy clouds, shoestring clouds
No two skies the same

Mountains declare Your majesty
Flowers, Your love of beauty
Leaves, the scope of Your creativity

You care when even a sparrow falls
How much more must You care for me
How great are Your thoughts for me

Though I stumble You are there
When I lose sight of You, You are there

In the palm of Your hand, I rest
Holding on tightly, I trust
Not my will, but Yours

Written by Heather Diane Tipton

2009-10-11T16:58:00.001-05:00

Why do we always think we need to understand what God is doing in our lives? The Bible is full of stories of people not understanding what God is doing in their lives. There’s always a point to it even if they never get to see it.

Most days I can accept that. Most days I trust blindly, knowing He has a plan for me. Most days I know He will take care of me.

But that’s not always the case. Some days, like today I struggle. I so don’t understand what God is doing in my life, and I know it isn’t for me to understand necessarily.

It goes beyond that.

I’m confused.

I’m tired.

I need clarity.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just a simple case of my eyes being focused on the wrong thing. Focused on me instead of Jesus.

So I seek, I pray, and I trust even though I don’t really want too.

2009-09-05T22:51:00.010-05:00

A good friend of mine, Kimberley Woodhouse's book Welcome Home; Our Family's Journey to Extreme Joy, officially released this week even though you've been able to order it for a while now.

I've had the great pleasure of reading her book... on more than one occasion when she was writing it. And every time I'm amazed at her incredible story and how cool God is through it all. Each time I've read it, I've gotten something new out of it.Being able to hold that book in my hands and see how everything came about to make it happen... it's really cool.

The back cover copy reads:Overwhelming trials . . . met with overcoming joy. Kayla Woodhouse is not your typical twelve-year-old. Due to a rare medical disorder, she feels no pain, doesn’t sweat, and needs protective cooling gear just to go outside. With her restrictive lifestyle; countless hospitalizations, including brain surgery; and the resulting mountain of hospital bills, what’s a family to do?

How the Woodhouse family has faced seemingly impossible challenges is a story that has captured the hearts of America. Millions of people have experienced glimpses of their lives on Discovery’s Mystery ER, The Montel Williams Show, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (recently voted one of the show’s all-time best episodes!).

Now Kayla’s mom, Kimberley, takes readers behind the cameras to reveal their family’s journey as never before told. From medical sleuthing to cross-country moves, from freak fires to battles with insurance companies, Welcome Home proves that truth really is stranger than fiction. This candid life story reveals both success and failure and demonstrates how, even during tough circumstances, to shift your life from heartbreak to extreme joy.

Peek inside the Woodhouse family’s life (and their famous house) with a 16-page photo insert.

2009-06-02T20:48:00.003-05:00

For the last month I’ve had symptoms of a heart attack. The chest pains was so great that I don’t remember much of the month. I would sit on a couch for hours in a complete daze. It was not pretty.

On day three of these pains, friends talked me into going to the ER—fearing I was having a heart attack. I went reluctantly—fearing I would be told it was just stress or all in my head.

The ER experience was interesting. The result was basically… you’re not having a heart attack, you can go home now.

Not having insurance, nor a “day” job it is really hard to get in to see a doctor. Finally got an appt for this past Friday…Which meant a month of chest pains. A month of knowing I wasn’t having a heart attack and a month of people telling me it was stress.

Which meant a month of me beating myself up because to me if I’m under that much stress that my body was freaking out that called into question that whole “I am trusting the Lord to take care of me.” Of which I thought I had grown so much in the last two years. But if I was having chest pains because of stress, was I really trusting Him??

I kept rejecting that it was all stress. Because I DO trust Him. I may have my moments of freakout/meltdown/what the hell am I doing, but I trust Him. He hasn’t let me down yet. Even now when things don’t look so great financially, He is still my provider. Jehovah Jireh.

Went to the Doctor on Friday morning. It isn't cardiac. (Thank God!) He diagnosed it as Costochondritis and stress.

Definition: Costochondritis is an inflammation of the cartilage that connects a rib to the breastbone (sternum). It causes sharp pain in the costosternal joint — where your ribs and breastbone are joined by rubbery cartilage. Pain caused by costochondritis may mimic that of a heart attack or other heart conditions.)

I had a rib that was totally slipped out of where it should be. Not sure if the Costochondritis caused it or the other way around.

I’ve already had it popped back in twice now. Here’s praying it doesn’t slip back again!

2009-05-23T18:24:00.003-05:00

A week ago Friday I was sitting in my friend, Heather's kitchen helping her get ready to leave the next day for a photography conference. During the course of our day she got a phone call, and in the middle of it I hear these words "I know someone who would be willing to do that and she's sitting in my kitchen right now."

A member of the crew had to back out at the last second and they needed a fill in... in steps me. =)

It was held up in Breckenridge. So let's see... I would get to stay in a resort, surrounded by mountains, all my meals provided, get to hang out with super-cool people and the chance to learn a little bit about photography? I'm so there!

When I got there, there was a bit of confusion with two Heathers walking in. (We were Heather Squared to some...) So, me being the sarcastic person I am, I piped up and said I was the "cute Heather".

So for a week, I was known as Cute Heather. LOL

I had a blast. By far one of the best working vacations I've ever had. (beating everyone at air hockey pretty much rocked too... LOL)

Exciting news!

2009-04-18T18:57:00.005-05:00

A really wonderful friend of mine, Kimberley Woodhouse, has a book coming out later this year. Kim is my honest/blunt, tell it like it is friend. Her and her family are family to me.

I've had the great pleasure of reading her book... several times now. And every time I'm amazed at her incredible story and how cool God is through it all. Each time I've read it, I've gotten something new out of it.

I'm so excited to announce that Welcome Home: Our Family's Journey to Extreme Joy is now available for pre-order on amazon and cbd. I highly encourage everyone to order the book. You won't regret it.

2009-04-07T15:13:00.002-05:00

I can’t help but wonder how often do we miss those cues from those we love. Ones telling us they need to be listened too, loved on, hugged, or prayer. Are we too busy to see them? Wrapped up in our own junk?

Or worse, we see the cues and we ignore them because we don’t want to deal with it, or we don’t have the energy to deal with them.

Sometimes they’re so subtle it’s hard to see. Others are a huge cry for help.

Oh Lord, help me be a better friend. I don’t want to continue to drop the ball where those I love are concerned. Help me see those cues, show me when to push and when to pull. When I don’t have the energy to deal with what those cues may mean, give me Yours. Help me not to be so wrapped up in my own junk. Give me ears to hear what they and You need me to hear. In Jesus name. Amen.

drowning

2009-04-05T00:12:00.000-05:00

Over a year ago, when I was in a pit of depression I felt like I was drowning. Which was not a great feeling.

Fast forward to now. For the last month or so I’ve felt that feeling again. When I realized what that feeling was I got a little angry. I didn’t understand the reason for the feeling. I wasn’t in a pit of depression, why was I drowning?

But at the same time, it wasn’t exactly the same.

I got a little mad at God. “Why am I feeling like this again? I don’t understand. Why is it different?”

“Because this time you’re breathing while you’re drowning.”

Ummm… was that supposed to be helpful? I’m still drowning.

But He is right. This time, I’m breathing.

I know He has a plan for me. I know the water won’t overtake me. (Jeremiah 29:11 & Isaiah 43) So, I’m holding on to that. And I’m trusting yet again.

Wind

2009-03-11T01:09:00.000-05:00

A change is in the air

The breeze is blowing
Can even smell it

Don’t know what it looks like
What it will mean
Where I’ll end up

Some days are more gusty
Others barely a puff of air
But always the wind

The One behind the wind
He’s always sustained me
No matter where the wind blows

Arms wide open
In acceptance
Not my will
But Yours

written by Heather Diane Tipton March '09

2009-02-12T15:03:00.001-06:00

About a year ago, I didn’t see how it would be possible to have a place of my own on what I made at my job.

Then the Lord moved me into a place of my own… and I no longer had a job.

I did my taxes last week and had to laugh.

What I made in the second six months of the year was only a tenth of what I made in the first six months when I couldn’t afford to live on my own.

The Lord continually amazes me on how He takes care of my bills every month. Every month it’s done in a different way. Every month I’m wowed at how cool my Father is.

It amuses me, there are several people that email me once a month just to see how the Lord paid my rent that month.

Obedience

2009-02-08T23:12:00.000-06:00

I don’t understand why when you’re being obedient it’s so painful. And I’m not talking the actual act of obedience, all though I know that is painful at times too. But I’m referring to the aftermath of that obedience. The consequences. Like you’ve been sucker punched.

It doesn’t make me not want to be obedient… just wished it didn’t hurt so much.

I will continue being obedient because I don’t know any other way to live my life. Yes, I argue with the Lord about things sometimes, but He always wins. I actually argue less now than I used too. growth lol.

I’m continually amazed at “Christians” who don’t understand the concept of following Jesus WHEREVER He may lead you. Even when it doesn’t make sense, or goes against all logic and everyone you know thinks you’ve lost the last few marbles you had rattling around in your head.

I don’t always understand the why of what He asks of me and sometimes I never find out. But this I do know. He has a plan, a plan for my good. He hasn’t failed me thus far, I’ve failed Him so much, but He’s always there to take my hand and lead me back to where I should be… with love, grace, mercy and forgiveness.

I encourage you to start asking the Lord if there is an area in your life you’re not being obedient… or if you’re not following Him where He is leading you. There is always grace to cover that. There’s grace to cover just being obedient too… even when it’s hard.

Struggle

2009-02-01T00:42:00.002-06:00

The other night I struggled with something that I’ve not struggled with in a long time. And in such a way that makes me shake my head at the scope of it. I know, we’re human and we fall and we sin, but when you really think you have a handle on something and then it’s like you run into a brick wall…

What’s sad to me, and this is probably the reason I was hit with it, is I’ve told several people in the last week about how far I’ve come.

I really believe that I’ve overcome this struggle… not that I don’t always have to be watchful of it, cuz I always will, but there were strides that I’d made in the last few months that brought me so far. The Lord and I have had conversations about it all in the last few months. I’d come a long way.

I suffer from insomnia in a big way, but last night, I didn’t sleep because of this struggle, not because of the insomnia, and that is even more frustrating to me.

So, I was beating myself up for the first part, plus I was beating myself up because of the sleeping thing. I was all around beating myself up in so many ways. And I couldn’t stop. I kept praying, Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy. That was all I could pray.

Somewhere during the afternoon after my night of struggle, (there were a couple of other things going on that I was trying to deal with too, asking for mercy for those things too.) a wonderful friend of mine, IM’d me out of the blue and wanted to know how I was. I was VERY honest with her. She loved me, and showed me mercy, and told me to show myself mercy. After talking to her, I started to come out of the whole beat-myself-to-a-pulp stage. (All though, I’m still feeling the effects from that day.)

At the end of our convo she told me that she was in the middle of working and just felt like she was supposed to talk to me right then. I love how the Lord does that.

In the past, when I would struggle with this, it would keep me down for weeks. I would have a hard time receiving grace, mercy and forgiveness. I’m choosing to receive those things now instead of weeks down the line. I’m choosing to accept my Abba Father’s love for me… because I’m a daughter of the most high King. Will I struggle with this again? Probably. But that’s ok. I know where to turn when that happens. I know Who to go to for grace, mercy, love and forgiveness.

The wind

2009-01-30T01:48:00.002-06:00

The wind is blowing
Can you feel it
Even now it blows

A gentle whisper
At the moment
But hold on
It’s a’coming

Boat rocking
Waves picking up

No land in sight
But wait for it

Wait for it and trust
Trust and wait
Wait and trust

Written by Heather Diane Tipton Jan '09

2009-01-28T12:53:00.001-06:00

I can’t get a normal job to save myself at the moment. I’m doing assistant work for a couple of people. The Lord has been tremendously faithful in taking care of me and paying my bills. And by providing some pretty incredible people to walk with me on this journey.

I stopped being stressed about not having a job a couple of months ago. I don’t always know where my rent is coming from, but I know the One who is going to take care of it.

I’ve had some people come and go in my life recently. Some of them just can’t stand to watch my life… I guess to them, it’s a train wreck waiting to happen. Others, have hunkered down with me, ready to see where the Lord is leading in all this. I even have a few fascinated by how I live my life.

It’s not the easiest life… but I do think it’s the most rewarding… always relying on the Lord even when it goes against what everyone thinks you should do… heck even against what I think I should do at times.

In December for the first time, I felt truly at home in my condo. It was an incredible feeling. In the couple weeks… I’ve started thanking God for my life. I’m happy, I’m enjoying life. The little things and the big things. It’s not perfect, but it’s mine… and I’m following where the Lord is leading me. It’s an interesting journey to be sure. To steal a line from a dear friend… joy in the journey. Novel concept.

2009-01-25T23:38:00.000-06:00

There are things that twist a knife in me almost every day. Things I can’t do anything about. I pray about them. Sometimes I cry about them. But that doesn’t change them.

They are things that won’t completely heal. And as much as I would like to harden my heart on the whole matter the Lord won’t let me. These things get thrown in my face on a regular basis, sometimes daily…sometimes more than that.

I hide the hurt from those around me and even encourage things that end up throwing it back in my face to hurt some more… but I believe I’m supposed to.

I ask the Lord why this isn’t something He will allow to heal instead of having salt thrown in it on a regular basis… but He’s silent on that.

So yet again, I’m surrendering the whole thing to Him. He obviously has a purpose in this. And if the rest of my life is any indicator… I know that is true.

So, I’m going to surrender it, continue doing what I feel led to do and trust that someday it won’t hurt so much.

What determines greatness?

2009-01-22T03:05:00.000-06:00

I have felt from a very young age that I was going to do things that were pretty big. That they were birthed in me from before I was born. It’s an intricate part of who I am, and who I’m becoming. I believe those desires were placed there by the Lord.

But the wall I’ve come up against this week is maybe I was wrong. Maybe I’m not supposed to do those things.

I’ve also come against the whole, I’m a hack when it comes to everything I do. I know enough to be able to do many, many things, and I’m just smart enough to fake it if I don’t know how… just enough to get by and make people think I can do it. BUT I don’t have the talent to do any of those things well.

Maybe I’m supposed to help others do the great things. Be the Aaron to their Moses, so to speak.

Maybe I’m too scared to really see if I have any great talent… or to find out that I don’t.

None of that matters if I choose to surrender and trust the Lord with it all.

I choose.

2009-01-16T23:11:00.001-06:00

In the last few days… I’ve had a migraine from hell, a sinus headache from same said place, nausea from the migraine and I lost my cookies in a spectacular way. Overall, I’ve been pretty miserable the last few days.

But at the same time, I’ve laughed a lot, hung out with two of my favorite people, Kim and Holly, watched a movie (or most of it, until I lost my cookies.) and just had a really good time.

So, yes this isn’t much of a blog post but I haven’t blogged in forever and thought I’d better…

I hope the start of 2009 has been a fabulous one for everyone. The Lord has been incredibly good to me, in how He continues to take care of me and provide for me in some miraculous ways. I’m really looking forward to the coming year… and hopefully I’ll blog more.

2008-12-20T23:47:00.000-06:00

The Lord will take care of you, Has been whispered in my ear more times than I can count over the last few months. I’m still learning to trust in new ways.

I fully believe the Lord is going to take care of my rent and bills. But that doesn’t mean it is easy. While I trust Him to pay my bills, it’s hard for me to accept help from those that are giving it to me. I don’t expect it of them. Would never ask it of them. And yet they are giving it to me. And that is emotionally draining to me.

So yet again, there is another area I’m having to learn to trust Him in. That those friendships will be protected, that they won’t feel like they’re being used, that I’m not coming across as a moocher. That maybe I can be a blessing to those people even if I’m emotionally worn out.

The act of doing all you know to do… to satisfy yourself and everyone else around asking why you don’t have a job yet… is frustrating too. Especially, when you know the Lord is teaching you to trust…and that He isn’t going to miraculously provide you a job until He is good and ready. Meanwhile I apply for every job imaginable (I stopped counting at 300) in a very tight economy where no one seems to be hiring.
Holding back from those around you because you know they are probably having a harder time watching your life unfold than you are with dealing with it… is draining and hard.

The spiritual warfare has been pretty intense, especially the last eight or nine days. Hitting every area.

But in the midst of all of this I’ve had times of being truly happy (maybe it’s joy? Not well versed in either so I’m not sure.) and finally feeling completely at home in my home. Which is so incredibly awesome.

So again, taking the good with the bad… and still choosing to trust that the Lord will take care of me.

2008-12-04T16:31:00.003-06:00

I’ve hated Christmas ever since I can remember. I’m not sure why. Hated everything about it. Yes, I know it’s about Christ’s birth… that I’m actually thankful for but it’s the rest that I didn’t like. The music would depress me or make my skin crawl… in fact that was my reaction to everything Christmas.

Tuesday night two weeks ago:

Holly yelled at me for not having anything hanging on my walls. Something about I’m acting like I won’t be staying for a long time so I’m not hanging things up.

Friday night:

Then, Kim asked me to spend the weekend at her house so that I could help her with certain things that she needed to get done. (Things that we never got to that weekend so I’m convinced it was a conspiracy!!) Instead, she started decorating her house for Christmas. As far as decorating for Christmas goes, Kim does it right. I ended up helping decorate three different trees as well as various other things that weekend. Me grumbling the whole way, Kim and Holly telling me I have to start liking Christmas. In one ear and out the other. Kim has a very annoying stuffed santa that sings and rocks in a rocking chair… she would periodically look at me, smirk and turn him on. Pure torture. They also were under the impression that I needed to decorate MY HOME for Christmas. Um, no. Especially not after helping decorate Kim’s. Never mind the whole money thing.

Sunday night:

I stayed at Niki’s house. And she too lectured me that hating Christmas was something I needed to let go of.

Monday through Friday:

I was at my best friend, Dineen’s house for Thanksgiving (A tradition that I totally LOVE!! Any time I get to hang out with her it’s wonderful!). She for some weird reason agreed with everyone else that I needed to let go of my past and embrace the whole Christmas thing. Sigh.

Friday night:

Flew back into Denver and stayed with Paula. On the way to her house, I’m telling her my Christmas torture woes of the last few days about how no one would leave me alone about it. And she says to me, “they’re right. You need to celebrate, and enjoy it. Let go of your past.” We get to her house and the goal was to watch a movie and just hang out since we never get to do that. Instead we talked. A lot. And boy am I glad we did. We talked about many things. At about midnight, we’re still talking but we’re both exhausted, our eyes are closed. I told her to go to bed. She said she was going to pray for me first. During the prayer time, she told me I need to learn to take up space. When I’m with people and when I’m in my home by myself.

Saturday morning:

On the way to meet Holly for her to take me home I causally throw out to Paula that maybe I should use a gift card to WalMart that I had been given to buy a few Christmas decorations. She started jumping up and down in her seat as she was driving saying, “Let’s find a Walmart right now!”

Um, I wanted more time to think about this little idea that wouldn’t leave me alone so that I could talk myself out of it naturally! But I can never say no to Paula… sadly she knows that! LOL

So we go to Walmart and I’m looking around at the Christmas stuff and I’m ok. I pick a fiber optic tree because you don’t have to decorate them. (Yeah, yeah, I was cheating, get over it! LOL) Holly calls and finds out we’re still at Walmart instead of the starbucks that we were supposed to meet her at so she joined us… and she was in shock that I was even doing what I was doing! A little after that, it started to get to me. My face got warm, my breathing was a little interesting and Holly looked at me and asked me if I was having a panic attack. Um, we needed to go.

By the time I got home that night I was exhausted and went to bed.

Sunday:

I woke up to three inches of snow. It was beautiful. I took a four-mile walk through the snow. Yes, it was the perfect excuse not to decorate yet. And naturally I found many more reasons not to decorate. It was midnight by the time I finally started… and even then I wouldn’t have done it if Jill wouldn’t have threatened my life.
When I was done. I looked around…

And wanted a real tree that I actually had to decorate. (Go ahead, pick yourselves up off the floor, I’ll wait for you.)

I’ve listened to Christmas music the last few days and actually enjoyed it.

So do I like Christmas now?

Eh, I don’t hate it. It doesn’t make my skin crawl.

Progress, folks, progress.

trust

2008-11-18T02:54:00.000-06:00

What do you do when you’ve done all you know to do? You trust.

What do you do when there looks like there are no answers? You trust.

What do you do when the Lord places someone in your life that the friendship dynamics is like nothing you’ve ever experienced? You trust.

What do you do when you are tired? You trust.

What do you do when you have no peace? You trust

It all comes down to trust, no matter what I am facing, if I’m not trusting, I should just give up now.

I’ve learned trust in new ways lately… and relearned trust in old ways. I am continually learning to trust.

It’s not simple task for me. I don’t trust that easy. I do know, the Lord taught me to trust people first, knowing that I needed to have that to learn to trust Him. I’m still not good with either, trusting him, or people. But I’m learning. And I’m trying. I have a feeling it’s not something I’ll ever stop learning.

Be blessed.

2008-11-03T01:58:00.002-06:00

What do you do when a friend of yours tells one of their good friends that they don’t know if they’ll ever have another friendship like theirs because they just can’t invest in another friendship? Let it seep into your very being and take root, put up walls to protect yourself from ever getting hurt by this person? Or continue being the greatest friend you can be even if you never get any return from it? I choose the latter.

What do you do when you get told in no uncertain terms that you suck as a human being? Take it all as your own and let it bury you? Or own what is yours to own, ask forgiveness and leave the rest? I choose the latter.

What do you do when a good friend is going through hell and you can’t be there for them? Moan and complain, and berate yourself? Or do what you can from where you are, making sure they know you love them and are praying for them? I choose the latter.

What do you do when your past mistakes come back to haunt you even after asking forgiveness and repenting of them? Wallow in what an idiot you were/are and beat yourself up? Or remind yourself you are not who you were? I choose the latter.

What do you do when you are presented with an opportunity, which you’re not qualified for? Turn it down and beat yourself up for being stupid? Or lean on the One through who all things are possible? I choose the latter.

What do you do when you’re faced with insurmountable odds? Lie down and die? Or remember that you’re a child of the most High King? I choose the latter.

The last few months have been... interesting, to say the least. But through it all, I'm learning to lean on the One who created me, trust in the One who has brought me this far, and learn who I'm continually becoming...

2008-10-06T21:53:00.002-05:00

Before I had the money to pay my rent…

Me: “Um, Lord, do you know my rent is due on the 1st? and that I haven’t been able to get a job yet?”

Him: sigh, rolls His eyes, “Didn’t we just go over this?”

Me: “Oh. Right. I trust you, I trust you!”

By the grace of God, I got the money to pay my rent.

Me: “Thank you thank you thank you thank you, Lord! Um, Lord, I need to pay my cell bill in like a week and a half…”

Him: sigh, rolls His eyes, “Didn’t we just go over this?”

Me: “Oh. Right. I trust you, I trust you!”

Someone sent me a check after feeling led to do so that covers my cell bill.

Me: “Thank you thank you thank you thank you, Lord! Um, Lord, I still have no job and I will need to pay rent on the first again…”

Him: sigh, rolls His eyes, “Didn’t we just go over this?”

Me: “Oh. Right. I trust you, I trust you!”

An assistant job was offered to me, for two weeks.

Me: “Okay, Lord, I feel like You want me to take this job, but You know it won’t pay my rent. But that’s not my problem, it’s Yours. You’re the One that keeps telling me You’ll take care of me!”

And that ladies and gentlemen is a slight sign of growth! LOL

ACFW conference

2008-09-28T02:31:00.002-05:00

I got back from the ACFW conference last Sunday. This was a very hard conference for me and I’m not entirely sure why.

I knew I was supposed to go, that the Lord led me to go, but I still don’t know why…. And trust me I’ve asked Him over and over.

I had thought for some weird reason that maybe some burnt bridges would be rebuilt and that didn’t happen.

I’d thought I was going to get some really great one on one time with some of my favorite people and that didn’t happen.

I’d thought it was going to be nice and relaxing, and that didn’t happen, I spent the majority of the conference with an excruciating migraine that just walking around was a chore…let alone connecting with people.

I thought I would be able to chat with some really cool people that I usually only chat with at conference and that didn’t happen.

I’ve been told I’m a great networker… not at this conference. Every conference I’ve come away with new friends and new connections. I’m pretty sure I didn’t come away with even one new one this year. (and if I did, I don’t remember it because of the migraine I had.)

I went expecting the worship to be amazing like it is every year and in that I wasn’t disappointed. Rachel Hauck and her team, like every year past was totally amazing. One night during a worship session, I did some pretty major spiritual warfare… I’m not sure what that was all about but I do know I felt a breakthrough and some freedom come from it.

I came away with new direction for my writing, which I totally wasn’t expecting. Now I just have to figure out how to go about it. =)

An interesting door opened up for me there I wasn’t expecting, effectively letting me shut a door that I was not comfortable with.

I got an $18 tip for buying a friend a diet Dr Pepper. =)

I’m not sure why I was there. It felt like I wasn’t even there when I was there. Like I was on the outside looking in.

I don’t know why I was there, but I do know I was supposed to be there, and I’m going to trust my Lord that there was a purpose to me being there even if I did come away feeling icky. Because my Lord has a plan for me. Plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future.

2008-09-24T01:59:00.001-05:00

I don’t understand

I just don’t

You give me this
immerse me
even though I wasn’t sold out
it was my world

Then you ask me for it
I gave it up
Thankful for the freedom

The world slowly disappears
and I was ok with that

Then you hand it back to me
I didn’t want it back
I was gone from the world
what would it be like to have one without the other

So I went
I am gone
but I have it back
and I don’t know what to do with it

Is this what you want
I don’t know how to do this

This will have to be You
cuz I’m gone
I’m done

written by heather diane tipton September '08

2008-09-23T01:21:00.001-05:00

The thought of not being able to pay my rent on the first is a little freaky. (I’ve found a nice overpass to stuff my couch under if I have too. =p)

God keeps using a reoccurring phrase on me.

Sunday as I was saying goodbye to a dear friend at the conference before I left, she said to me “God will take care of you, He will.” I paused because it’s the exact phrase that I’ve heard over and over these last few months… starting with a random stranger on the street.

I was particularly stressed one day sitting on a bench waiting for my train. This woman walked by me, stopped turned around, took a step back towards me looked me in the eye and said “God will take care of you, He will.” She then turned and walked away.

Since that day I’ve had that phrase said to me so many times I’ve lost count. The Lord’s even said it to me “I will take care of you, I will.”

Then on Sunday, that friend saying it again when she didn’t know that was the exact phrase the Lord’s been using on me.

Most days I know and I trust that. And I’m oh so thankful that He reminds me often of it. Some days though… I have a really hard time with it. Today I’m okay… today I’m too tired to think about it.

I’m trying to make the conscious decision every time I start to get stressed out about the whole money/job/rent thing to remember, He’s promised me He would take care of me.

I saw a rainbow driving home yesterday and it was like He was whispering, see, I’ll take care of you, I will.

Just another area where I’m trying to stand and when I’m tired of standing I’ll stand some more.

2008-09-16T17:31:00.000-05:00

I awoke Saturday morning, none to pleased to be up. I needed to go somewhere I didn’t really want to go. I’d not had enough sleep… hadn’t really had enough sleep in a while. I jabbed the earbuds into my ears from my ipod as I walked out the door.

My spirits rising a little at the first notes of the praise song blasting into my ears. The chilly air registered on my arms… wearing a short sleeve shirt. It was 47 degrees. I breathed in a deep lung full and relished it. The nip was glorious and invigorating. There was a slight spring in my step despite being so tired.

I rounded the condos in front of my condo to get on the sidewalk and almost stopped in my tracks. There on the top of Pikes Peak … a light snow dusting. It’s been raining/cloudy for a few days and hadn’t had a good look at the mountains. It’s a sight to behold on any day but with that light dusting of snow it was breathtaking.

I love living in Colorado. In the Springs I’m closer to the mountains than I was in Denver. And as much as I miss my friends in Denver, I love living in the Springs. I don’t doubt for a minute that the leap of faith to move here was/is scary and I haven’t been caught yet, BUT I know this is where I was supposed to move.

I don’t know how God is going to pull this one off. From my side it seems impossible. From the people in my life’s side it seems a bit impossible. Goes against logic and common sense.

He told me He will take care of me… I’m going to trust that. I choose to trust that. Sometimes, I have to make that choice every second. I choose to trust. And to put my faith in the one Who has never let me down when He’s led me on these wild adventures. I’m going to stand, and when I can’t stand anymore I’m going to stand some more

2008-09-08T02:43:00.000-05:00

I’m still struggling a little with writing again. I’d given it up for a year. A year full of changes, steps forward, valleys and peaks. I’ve missed the creative outlet though. I didn’t know that until I started dabbling with a few things. It feels good even in small ways.

What does He require of us? Is it perfection? Or is it just a willing heart? I always tell people being willing is more than half the battle. As much as I don’t want to come back to writing, I’m willing… if only to be obedient.

I’m going to the ACFW conference in less than two weeks and I’m a little nervous about it. I haven’t been this nervous about one of these conferences since my first one back in 2004 when Cheryl dragged me kicking and screaming out of hermithood.

The funny thing about the writing world… it’s all about networking. I gave up writing a year ago, I gave up my business ten-eleven months ago. I pretty much feel like I’ve been wiped from the face of the writing world in the last year.

I have to wonder what the Lord’s plan in all of this is. It goes against everything. But I’ve learned a few things following wherever Jesus leads… almost always, when the Lord asks you to do something, it will fly in the face of conventional wisdom. There is a higher purpose for it. There is a plan. For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

2008-09-05T23:21:00.003-05:00

What determines greatness

Is it how you were raised
who you were created to be

What if the two war with each other
how and when do you break those chains

Is it just the thought of the step
the attempt of the step
or the actual step

Attempting all three
Scary as hell

stepping out…

fearfully and wonderfully made
plans to give you a hope and a future

greatness defined

written by heather diane tipton September '08

2008-09-03T22:48:00.000-05:00

When one lives without hope for so long, to catch a glimpse of it is almost cruel. What does one do with that?

I’d liken it to frostbitten fingers. Cold and numb and have ceased to feel. Place those fingers in warm water and they begin to tingle…getting a little feeling back. And then the intense pain hits as the nerves begin to thaw. It’s a good thing… but it’s painful. Very painful. And of course if you let them get frozen again it causes even more tissue damage the second time around.

Having hope, glimpsing it can be painful. But well worth it. the funny thing is, sometimes when you’re “frostbitten” you don’t even realize it until the tingling starts after being emerged in warm water.

I didn’t have hope for a very long time. And now I do have some. There are people who have a hard time understanding why I have such a hard time with it… the above is the reason. It’s not that I don’t want to have hope, I’m happy about that, doesn’t make it any less painful.

So on this journey of becoming… I’m discovering hope, it hurts, and I wonder at how much damage will happen if I let it freeze again.

I put my hope in Abba Father… and when I can’t hope, I put my trust In the God of Hope.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

2008-09-02T00:30:00.000-05:00

As many times, as I do it
it’s still scary as hell

Right off a cliff
with no parachute
or safety net

So high up
Clouds hide the bottom

Logic says
you shouldn’t do this
that you can’t do this

Logic wars with faith

Haunts us
with doubts and what-ifs
erodes faith
fear and probability a seduction

Look at the birds of the air
the lilies of the field

I will take care of you, I will

written by Heather Diane Tipton September '08

2008-08-29T18:58:00.002-05:00

I’ll probably regret posting about this but here goes…

I’ve been released to write again. When I first felt the release I thought it was just my imagination, prayed about it, asked Dineen to pray with me… and it just kept getting stronger.

It’s been a year since I gave up writing. I don’t know all the reasons I gave it up… beyond obedience, but I do know there were many reasons.

And I’ve got to say, I’ve really enjoyed the freedom that comes from not writing. Not feeling guilty if I’m on my computer and not writing. Not feeling the pressure to perform.

I’ve been released to write again.

I’m struggling with that. I’m not sure I want to take it back on.

But I’ve also thought… before, I wasn’t completely sold out to writing, and if I take it on again, I’m supposed to be one hundred percent committed to it.

I’m a good writer for someone that’s not completely committed… but not so good for someone going after it wholehearted.

So I’m struggling.

Sigh.

Yet again…

I’m diving in. Free-falling…

Another chapter in becoming…

2008-08-27T14:35:00.005-05:00

There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

And I’ve learned that very well over the last week or so.

I’ve moved into my own place. It’s so amazing. I totally love it.

It’s even more amazing considering I don’t have a bed!

Moving here was a total leap of faith and I still don’t have a job lined up. But that’s okay.

I have a feeling living here is going to involve a lot of carefree and hopeful….

check this out...

2008-08-11T22:58:00.000-05:00

I'm featured on Novel Journey today!

moving!

2008-08-04T18:03:00.003-05:00

I’m moving. Again. =) Moving to the corner of Hopeful and Carefree!

Many of you have followed me on this journey… watched as I slept on yet another friend’s couch after another friend’s futon. In two weeks, I’ll finally be moving into a place of my own. Join me in celebrating.

I’m moving to pursue my dream of working in the publishing industry full time. I’m not sure what that will ultimately look like but I’m looking forward to seeing where God leads me on this portion of the journey.

It’s again the whole leap of faith thing, not knowing exactly what I’ll be doing when I move. Granted, I’m in a little better shape than when I moved to Denver 20 months ago with $78 in my checking.

I think so many people are scared of following wherever the Lord wants to lead them, because there is no “safety net”. Where’s the fun in that? Free-falling, baby!

2008-07-23T00:52:00.004-05:00

Forgive me

Rug pulled out from under me

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Forgive me

You’ll take care of me

Good things for me

Forgive me

I believe
Help me with my unbelief

written by heather diane tipton september '08

2008-07-20T21:57:00.003-05:00

Long held in
Stifled and bound
Like lifeblood
Bubbling and teaming underneath

The urge
The need
Sometimes so great
It’s painful

Words circle and build
Notes dance to their own rhythm
Images only seen in the mind’s eye

Freed now
But not felt
Waiting for it
To burst forth

what might have been

2008-06-17T23:36:00.003-05:00

Staring into the bottom of the glass, the sting meant to soften the pain.

Bodies entwined, just to take the edge off. Empty eyes staring back.

Cool heat permeates the lungs, swirling in and around.

A knife blade catching the candle light and reflecting back what’s there.

Oblivion it’s not. All meant to numb. Hiding in things that cannot truly cover.

But for a wall between them and me

Called grace

These things could have been

Hanging in there

2008-06-16T19:32:00.001-05:00

Hanging in there. What does that mean? I searched for the answer of how are you doing? I was loathe to say yet again, not too great. Saying I was good was a lie and saying I was fine just screamed I’m tired of answering that question and want to avoid you all together.

Hanging in there: Enough of an answer that those that don’t really want to know can feel they have an answer. And those that do, have a jumping off point.

Hanging in there: Things aren’t great but they ain’t the worst neither, because if they were the worst… Would I really be hanging on?

Hanging in there: I’m tired but I’m not giving up without a fight. If I was giving up I wouldn’t be hanging on, would I?

Hanging in there: trying to be a little positive.

Hanging in there: hanging on for dear life praying the Lord will come to my rescue soon.

Dineen Miller, Paula Moldenhauer, & Niki Nowell

2008-06-15T19:28:00.003-05:00

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares." Henri Nouwen

There are many people in my life that continually bless me. But this post is about three. Dineen Miller, Paula Moldenhauer, and Niki Nowell. These three women are incredible women and I’m blessed to call them friend.

I recently heard a song that made me think of these three women. It’s so rare for me to slow down enough to just be. To enjoy just relaxing. Always feel like I should be doing something. But when I go to their houses I slow down, relax and just be. (Which is funny because their houses usually aren’t all that calm, what with kids, teenagers and such running around.) I enjoy it so much.

I can’t help but wonder sometimes why on earth they invite me into their homes and lives all the time. I sometimes worry that I’m there too much, but I’m too selfish to stop. I love every minute I can spend with them. To me, a perfect day involves just spending time with one (or a combination!) of these ladies. Doesn’t matter what we’re doing, whether it’s watching a son’s hockey practice, running errands and grocery shopping, going to a movie, eating a meal, grabbing a cup of coffee, playing guitar hero, talking while folding a load of laundry or just sitting and talking. I’ll take every moment and minute I can.

The song below is perfect for them. (Except for the whole camping thing… can we go to a four star hotel instead???)

Every Minute

by Sara Groves

I am long on staying • I am slow to leave • Especially when it comes to you my friend • You have taught me slow down • And to prop up my feet • It's the fine art of being who I am • • And I can't figure out • Why you want me around • I'm not the smartest person I have ever met • But somehow that doesn't matter • No it never really mattered to you at all • • And at the risk of wearing out my welcome • At the risk of self-discovery • I'll take every moment • And every minute that you'll give me • • And I can think of time when families all lived together • Four generations in one house • And the table was full of good food • And friends and neighbors • That's not how we like it now • • Cause if you sit at home you're a loser • Couldn't you find anything better to do • Well no I couldn't think of one thing • I would rather waste my time on than sitting here with you • • And at the risk of wearing out my welcome • At the risk of self-discovery • I'll take every moment • And every minute that you'll give me • • And I wish all the people I love the most • Could gather in one place • And know each other and love each other well • • And I wish we could all go camping • And lay beneath the stars • And have nothing to do and stories to tell • We'd sit around the campfire • And we'd make each other laugh remembering when • You're the first one I'm inviting • Always know that you're my friend • • And at the risk of wearing out my welcome • At the risk of self-discovery • I'll take every moment • And every minute that you'll give me • Every moment and every minute that you'll give me • Every moment and every minute that you'll give me • Every minute • •

2008-06-09T00:55:00.001-05:00

This thing called life, is it really life? Life more abundantly? We pray and ask just to make it through the day. Instead of asking to LIVE the day.

For a long time I just prayed I could survive the day. That I could continue to breathe, and survive the day.

But that isn’t all I want out of life. I don’t want to just survive it, barely scrapping by, hanging on by a thread. That’s not how I want to live my life.

I want to find joy in the small things as well as the big.

I want to live.

2008-06-05T01:12:00.003-05:00

For years, thoughts of ending it plagued me. I knew they weren’t my thoughts but still they were there.

There have been some really dark down in the mire and muck pit times. And the thoughts that tried to keep me captive were things were never going to change.

Being a hermit for many years makes a lot of things hard. That’s where the relational, emotional and social retard thing comes from. But that is also a lie. I am not those things.

I had a fight with a really dear friend this week. The thoughts there are see how much of a failure you are? She’s better off without you.

Things are never going to change, they're always going to stay the same. Nothing good will ever happen and if it does the rug will be pulled out from under you.

The examples are endless of how satan tries to get us to undermine who we really are.

Henri Nouwen said, "Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the 'Beloved.'

Even when things were so dark, I still held on to the fact that I’m a daughter of the most high King.

Even the hairs on my head are counted. (Matthew 10:29-31)

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139, read it some time, it’s a favorite of mine.)

A year ago, I sat on a balcony in the mountains. I was listening to worship music and the Lord called me His Beloved.

I choose to believe these things.

I choose to listen to the voice of Truth.

It’s a daily choice. Sometimes it’s a second by second choice.

Who are you going to listen to?

2008-05-04T13:35:00.001-05:00

Set up for failure

Not prepared

Given nothing

Blame myself

Anger and unforgiveness

Eat away

Tired of fighting

Drawing the scabs

Back around me to hide

These dirty rags

Which were never meant

Hold all the good inside

It’s time

To swing wide my arms

Releasing it all

Daughter of the King

Fearfully and wonderfully made

Like Alice

Stepping through the looking glass

Here I go

Written by Heather Diane Tipton

2008-05-02T23:10:00.002-05:00

We walk down this road, this road that is our journey. We don’t always follow the road as it leads.

Sometimes we wander off on an interesting hiking trail, not knowing it’s leading to a precipice made to kill us.

Others the field of flowers beside the roadway looks inviting only to find out it’s full of nettles.

The fork in the road stops you short. Which way is the right way.

So many questions. Sometimes there are answers… sometimes silence. All say the same thing, do you trust Me?

For I know the plans I have for you.

All things work to the good.

Do you trust Me?

2008-04-20T23:12:00.002-05:00

Four years ago, as most of you know, I was a hermit. A hermit with no emotions, no social or relational skills. A social, emotional and relational retard. Had no clue how to be a friend. Still don't, but I'm learning.

I've been selfish, would take and take and suck you dry.

I would run to you instead of my Lord. Would put too much on you.

Wanted you to fill those empty spaces instead of the One who really could.

At times, coming out of hermithood, and learning emotions was really hard, and stressful. Unfortunately, sometimes you took the brunt of my pain. I didn't always know I was doing it but that isn't an excuse.

I was I'm sure, belligerent and defensive at times.

Life got hard, and I stopped answering emails. Not because I didn't love you but because I didn't have the energy to do more than breathe… and even then sometimes I wondered if I had the energy for that.

Depression would set in and I would wallow in it, not knowing how to pull myself out of that pit.

There were times a bit of a martyr complex would make an appearance.

I was that annoying person that is too needy.

Pride.

Passive aggressive.

At times when we would be together you must have thought that I didn't want to be there. And that totally wasn't the case, it was my inability to fully relax and BE in the moment.

So this is my apology to you, to all of you, those that stayed and those that didn't. Please forgive me for not being the person I should have been and should be. Forgive me for the hurt I've caused you.

2008-04-05T19:31:00.002-05:00

Second post in one day... gasp!

There are lots of things going on in my head. Some same ol' same things. Others new. I've wanted to talk about them most of the week to those closest to me, however, this past week I've worked my butt off at work and come home too exhausted to think much less try to process my thoughts enough to be able to talk about them. Which brings frustration. I do much better when I talk about things instead of just over analyzing them within myself, not allowing anyone to shine Light on my thoughts.

I haven't done a whole lot of talking this week with anyone.

Like I said, work was insane this week. (has been for a couple of weeks. doing the job of three people.)

Everyone seems to be having a hard time and/or busy.

The few times I did talk to those closest to me this week... it was as if the Lord shut my mouth.

Last night I asked the Lord, why can't I talk to anyone?

His response was why can't you talk to me about it?

Matthew 11:28-30 "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

2008-04-05T11:46:00.003-05:00

Not talking
Or not about

They're not
But I am

Frustrated
Worried
Over-analyzing

When are you
Going to learn

Needing
Wanting

I am here
Come to me

written by Heather Diane Tipton

2008-03-26T01:35:00.004-05:00

There are people

Now and then

Once in a lifetime people

That you meet

Sometimes making instant connections

Others a slow building process

They’re in your life for a season

And if you’re lucky a lifetime

They teach you things

You’d never know on your own

Things about life,

Laughter and love

And more importantly

About yourself and God

And if you’re really blessed

You get the chance

To express to them

How truly amazing they are

So here is my lame attempt

To thank each and everyone of you

Past and present

Who’ve had an impact on my life

I love every one of you

For your prayers, your teaching

Your handholding, your love

And everything in between

I thank you

written by Heather Diane Tipton

2008-03-14T22:28:00.005-05:00

What’s done is done

I know this

But yet I can’t help

But grieve

Excuses and reasons abound

But none to salve

A blessing when I needed it most

Grew, learned and laughed so much

Had thought for a lifetime

But only for a season

May the Lord bless you

Beyond anything you could hope for

Written by Heather Diane Tipton

2008-02-17T19:10:00.003-06:00

I had a phone conversation yesterday with a very close friend (Niki). During the convo she led me down a path to a topic I didn’t want to talk about but she thought it was something I should talk about. So I did. I was probably more open and honest in that convo than any other time that I’ve discussed it.

Stuffing down emotions for so long… a good thing did come out of that. I can be in a horrible place but when a friend needs to talk I can set aside my crap and be there for them.

The problem comes in when I don’t share my crap with those that love me. There are many reasons why I don’t. The whole stuffing things down for so long thing is a hard habit to break. But there’s more.

You know that needy friend we all have that we all avoid because she just sucks the life out of us? I’m terrified of being that person. Because to me, if I show me bleeding, as much as I do… I would be that person.

Of course than there’s that whole unworthy thing coming into play. Which, if someone was telling me they weren’t sharing their stuff with me because they didn’t think they were worthy of having someone be there for them, I would SO kick their butt.

It’s hard to come out from behind that wall.

There’s pride in there too I’m sure.

Then we went into the flipside of it. How I rob those that love me from being able to set aside there stuff to be their for me. etc.

And honestly, it was a very hard conversation to have. (I just skimmed the surface of our convo with what I shared.) Part of it being that I’ve been fighting off a depression the last few days and was already emotionally on edge. Part of it was a God thing I’m sure.

I literally felt like my heart was laid bare… then she had to go. (and no I didn’t think she was supposed to fix it or make it better) but I was like… dude what the heck am I supposed to do with that.

I spent the rest of the day and part of this one numb… still laid bare… felt like I’d had a total @ss kicking. Asking repeatedly for mercy. Somewhere in there it finally occurred to me… the Lord couldn’t do anything with it before because it was all tightly wrapped up, that conversation slowly unwound the ties that bound it up and laid it bare… now the Lord can do something with it. (ha, at least I hope so!)

Normal

2008-02-15T00:21:00.006-06:00

****edit. I have to explain this post. This whole thing, this whole topic is a big thing with me. This is something that has been on my mind a lot in the last week. Last night my friend Kim called me and asked me to read the introduction to her nonfiction book that she is writing and in it she talks about her normal compared to other's normal. It sparked a bit of conversation between us... and we have this thing where we understand each other and think a lot a like. I even made some suggestions to her on what to add regarding normal. After our conversation, I combined all the things that I had been thinking in the last week and what my friend and I talked about with the things that I thought about after and I was finally able to write this post that's been on my mind for quite sometime. ****

Why is it people try to put you in their own box of normal? I am far from normal and when has God EVER done anything normal in my life? Just sit down to talk to me for a little while and hear my story and you will know this.

I will admit that I wanted “normal” for a while… but then I wised up and realized whatever God had for me is way better. Then… I got normal. I HATE normal.

We are, every one of us, uniquely made. Yes, we are all created in His image, but each of us is unique. There isn’t another one of us out there. Our Lord, being the creative genius He is fashioned us with a special design for each of us. We’re fearfully and wonderfully made.

The world has this standard of what normal is. But then it goes beyond that. We each have our own level of normal. But it is OUR normal. Your normal placed on me becomes abnormal… and it weighs me down… which makes me ineffective.

We need to learn to stop trying to be other people’s normal, and to stop letting people place us in their “normal” box. I challenge you to embrace your normal... It’s a better fit.

Favorite Time of Day

2008-01-30T22:02:00.000-06:00

Sun just waking up

Or laying down

The gentle rocking
Inviting a doze

Alone in a sea of faces
Blessed solitude

Clack, clack, clack
Barely heard
Worship from my headphones
Bursting to overflowing

Soaking in the words
As each page opens before me
With every turn
A new world unlocks

When I think it can't
get any better...

I pause
Lift my head

I'm awestruck anew
Glorious mountains
Peaked with snow
Hand-shaped by my Maker

written by Heather Diane Tipton

Murder, Mayhem and a Fine Man

2008-01-18T00:26:00.000-06:00

The beautiful, wonderful FABULOUS Claudia Mair Burney's book, Murder, Mayhem and a Fine Man comes out next month, take a look....

She's one of my bff's and I think you need to buy the book the moment it hits the shelves!

Cheryl "Squirl" Wyatt

2008-01-17T01:20:00.000-06:00

Roughly four years ago (to be exact I think it was four years this month) a Squirrel skittered into my life. I started going to the Steeple Hill message boards.

For those that don’t know, prior to this I was a hermit for all intents and purposes. I was an avid reader though. Anything that was Christian fiction I would read.

One day I stumbled upon the message boards, I read it for a couple of days before I ever commented. All I kept thinking was these are some crazy women! The crazies I speak of are Cheryl (Squirl) Wyatt, Pammer James, and Camy Tang. I started interacting with these women on a daily basis. Talking about writing, books, and all KINDS of weird things. (Trust me, have a conversation with any of the three and you’re guaranteed at least one weird thing will come up in that convo!)

One day in June of that year (2004) both Cheryl and Camy started IMing me, this was the first time that we had communicated outside of the message boards. And it was WAY out of my comfort zone. They both told me to join ACFW (ACRW at the time).

After that night, Cheryl and I IM’d, emailed, and called a lot. She started hounding me to go to the conference that year. She changed her plans so that her and I could room together. Okay, think about this a second, we’re talking a hermit going to another state, to a conference where she only knew three people… and those only from online. Even MORE way out of my comfort zone. Cheryl and I argued about it for two months, before she finally did the one thing I couldn’t argue with.

Cheryl, Pammer, Camy and I bonded like you wouldn’t believe at that conference… even being dubbed the Fab Four. These women are some amazing prayer warriors! (I would put up some pics of us.... but well, prior to the last six months I hate my pictures so no way am I doing that!)

It was going to that conference that changed the direction of my life, that’s where God started me on the path of finding I am worthy, started bringing me out of hermithood and all kinds of things.

I credit Cheryl Wyatt with pushing me off that ledge and making me go to that conference. I owe her a HUGE debt of thanks and gratitude for that.

Cheryl has her first book out this month and I encourage you to go out and buy it. Squirly has to keep her little squirlettes in nuts doncha know! =)

A Soldier's Promise

update: Okay, since I was harassed by Mary I have to put some pics up now... and since it was Mary that did the harassing... she's going to be in one of them! LOL

Me, Pammer, Cheryl and Camy '04

Mary, Me And Cheryl '04
(ignore the timestamp in the corner, it's wrong)

Me, Camy, Cheryl, Billy (Cheryl's hubby) and Pammer '06

Me and Cheryl '06

The End of an Era (ok, so it wasn’t much of an era…work with me!)

2008-01-06T20:28:00.000-06:00

I’ve never wanted to be a writer. It wasn’t something that I desired from an early age. I was fair at it if I was asked to write something. Not great. I use to upset people when I would say that I had just “fallen into writing”. But in a way it’s true.

Writing is not something I ever pursued. It’s where the Lord led me. And I’m very thankful for Him leading me on this writing journey.

Walking this walk of a writer has brought so much to my life. Who I have become and am still becoming is due in large part to that walk. The Lord used it in a mighty way to change me.

It placed wonderful people in my life to be everything I needed when I needed it most. I’ve gotten best friends, good friends, sisters, cousins, family, and amazing prayer warriors willing to go to battle for me. They’re there to support me, love me and hold me up. Life long friendships, some of them.

It was the vehicle to get me out of where I was… a place I saw no way out of… and no hope of ever getting out of.

It taught me so so much.

When I was eleven what I wanted to do with my life was to be a publisher. I didn’t want to write great fiction… I wanted to find the people that did write it and publish them. I didn’t want to marvel over a beautiful piece of prose that I had penned, I wanted to discover someone no one had heard of who writes so well that when you finish the book, you close it slowly, shaking your head at how a mere human could write something so wonderful.

This is still what I want to do with my life. I had given up on it for a while, thinking, well, this writing thing, maybe this is all the Lord wants for me.

In August, the Lord asked me to give Him writing.

In October, He asked me to give Him my local writers groups. (Four in all)

A couple of weeks ago, He asked for my business.

Along the way there were other things He asked for, all writer related. I gave them all, trusting He had things under control. I had complete peace about the whole process.

There is an incredible sense of freedom from giving all these things up. My one regret is I didn’t give 100% to the whole writing thing.

In November, He began to shift my focus to the other side of the fence. To the publishing side. Amazingly it took me two days to process the shift, until finally the Lord reminded me of the eleven year old girl who wanted to be a publisher. He was shifting my focus back to my dream.

My heart has always been on the publishing side of things. I love this industry, I love the people.

There are a million reasons why I shouldn’t be thinking about being on the publishing side. But I believe this is where He is leading me. I don’t have a clue how He plans on working that one out. To me, it seems like an impossible task, but I also know I serve an amazing God that nothing is impossible for.

The next question is… what about my blog. I started this blog with the intent for it to be about my writing journey. Some would argue it had more to do with my spiritual journey. I’m asking the Lord if this is the next thing He is going to ask from me.

So either He will ask for my blog next or you’ll be able follow me as I jump off the precipice into my next journey. Either way, I’m trusting in Him.

2007-12-31T02:14:00.000-06:00

I stand

Empty hands outstretched

I give

Sometimes willingly

More often with a fight

But always I give

My hands are empty

There’s nothing left

So I stand

Empty hands outstretched

What now

How do I go on

Where do I go from here

So I stand

Empty hands outstretched

I’m okay with the giving

I know it’s for my good

I just pray

They won’t always be empty

So I stand

Empty hands outstretched

If they should

Always be empty

You are still

My Lord

Your ways are not mine

So I stand

Empty hands outstretched

Trusting

Written by Heather Diane Tipton December 30, 2007

Christmas

2007-12-24T02:18:00.000-06:00

I don’t like Christmas.

I don’t like holidays period.

Sigh.

Not true.

In the last year I’ve learned to like all the holidays… except Christmas.

I’ve loved Thanksgiving two years in a row. I enjoy that day spent with my best friend and her family.

My birthday, for the first time ever a couple months back I actually celebrated. Friends threw a party, I had dinner the night of with two of my best friends, the night after two more friends took me out.

But Christmas, that one is still eluding me.

Everyone tells me I can’t hate Christmas anymore because I now like holidays. But they just don’t know what it’s like. I just couldn’t celebrate it.

If I had to pick a holiday that I would like to be my favorite. It would be Christmas. To me, it isn’t even about the gifts… don’t get me wrong I love the gifts...

There has always been something special about Christmas, even when I hated it.

I love the thought of it. I love what it represents. I love the pretty lights (yeah, I’m shallow, I like shiny objects, whatever.). I love being able to find the perfect gift to make the eyes of someone you care about light up in wonder. I love white Christmas… had my first one last year, and even though I still hated Christmas last year I enjoyed that part. I even love Christmas carols. Somewhat… I’m picky about what I do like carolwise. I love the time spent with friends and family.

So this year I’m supposed to love Christmas. My plan last week was to embrace the whole idea and let go, and actually enjoy it. I had plans to go to one friend’s house this weekend and then to go to another friend’s house on Christmas Eve.

Then I got sick. I couldn’t go to the one friend’s house this weekend. I cried, I felt my embrace of the holiday slipping away. I still had the other friend’s house to go to on the Eve of Christmas but it was still slipping from my grasp even more. Old hermit ways started rearing it’s head.

Better to be alone on Christmas the hermit ways declared.

Easier to be a holiday martyr that way it said.

Why should you enjoy Christmas it asked.

Til now when I tell it to go to hell.

This year I’m going to enjoy Christmas. Tomorrow I’m going to a wonderful friend’s house and celebrating Christmas with her and her family.

Merry Christmas everyone. And to those that can’t celebrate Christmas… for whatever reason… it’s all good, the Lord knows your heart. I speak special blessing on you and yours.

2007-12-12T01:43:00.000-06:00

I sit on the eve of my one year anniversary of living in Colorado. It’s been an awesome year. And it’s been an incredibly hard year. There are so many things I’m thankful for about living here.

The last few months have been really rough. I’ve hidden it from most people, and only alluded to it to others. Rarely talked about it openly. I’ve been in this funk, pit, depression, dark night of the soul, what ever you want to call it.

People don’t know how to deal with me in that place, frankly I don’t know how to deal with me in that place… so I pull back. Of late, I get anxiety-ridden just being around people that I shouldn’t have that problem with. These are people that love me. And yet I know they don’t know what to do with me and I guess in my messed-upness I think it would be easier on them to pull back. Hide out. I’ve hurt several friendships in the process, and for that I’m deeply saddened.

There are a lot of variables contributing to this. I’ve lived in five places in the last year. Not being able to afford to live on my own. The three hour commute every day to work. I can go on and on. Chemical? I don’t know.

There has been some good in the midst of this too. God has showed me some stuff in this place. He’s there in the middle of it all. God is good… all the time.

I have weeks, days, moments of good even in all that.

For Thanksgiving week I went and stayed at my best friend’s house. Last year, I went to Dineen’s house for Thanksgiving too. It’s now a tradition that I hope to continue. I had a blast the whole week. I relaxed, had fun, went to see the pacific.

Neenie? All I have to say to you is… ROCK ON!! LOLOL

A few weeks ago I went to see Pride and Prejudice on the stage with some of my best friends. Paula, Paula’s daughter Sarah, Niki and I had the best time. It was the first time I had seen P&P on stage and loved it. Love of all things Jane Austen is something new since moving to Denver too. Thanks Paula, for properly educating me! :o)

A couple of days ago it snowed 4 inches, I had to walk to the bus through said snow… and I grinned like a fool the whole way, the sound snow makes when you step on it is so cool . (It’s also cool doing the same thing with all the autumn leaves on the ground before the snow came.) The way snow sparkles when it melts a little and refreezes is spectacular.

Every glimpse I get of the mountains makes me pause and breath in an awe-struck breath of wonder at my Creator. Just catching them out of the corner of my eye even has that effect on me. The glorious mountains, seeing them is like being enveloped in a hug by the Lord.

Some of the other highlights of the last year…

I’ve had a couple of jobs. Resigned as listhostess.

I’ve given up writing. Before I get a lecture, the Lord asked me to give it to Him and I did. I’m at peace about it. I’m on sabbatical.

He’s now shifted my focus.

I’ve been given numerous new friendships. I’ve lost several too. Some have gone through a rough patch, some still are in that rough patch.

I’ve changed in many ways.

I got a tattoo… we’ll ignore the tattoo chair catching on fire thing.

The Fav-Five... need I say more? You ladies can make me laugh like no other. And we won't even mention clearing out restaurants and coffee shops...

JoyWriters, you gave me a safe place... and I miss y'all!

I now have more families that I’m a part of than I know what to do with. :o) I’m very blessed that there are so many homes I can go to and feel completely at home and I feel like I’m part of the family. Kim, Paula, Niki thank you for welcoming me into your homes and making me feel welcome and a part of your family. There are many more, but these three I’ve probably spent the most time in in the last year… outside of where I actually do live. LOL

And that doesn’t even begin to cover it all. So this post is a hodgepodge of thankfulness, celebrating a milestone and trying to be real. Thanks for listening.

2007-11-30T01:29:00.000-06:00

Great understanding

It’s always been there

Knit together in the womb

Have fought them

From an early age

All of it

Outside the box

Got so tired

Wanted normal

Closed off

Hated normal

Didn’t make sense

Didn’t matter

I still knew

And never stopped fighting

Forgive me

Teach me to walk in it again

Written by Heather Diane Tipton, September '07

2007-11-12T00:54:00.000-06:00

Shifting sands

Shifting focus

Established on the Rock

Different avenues

Other side of the fence

All same arena

Is this where it’s at

Where you’re leading

Not qualified, nor equipped

So far beyond me

I will stand on the Rock

Trust in what He created in me

Lean on Him through it all

Written by Heather Diane Tipton

2007-11-09T23:03:00.001-06:00

A couple of months ago, I was having a horrible week. I’d tried all week to shake the depression. I had plans to celebrate the birth of a dear friend for weeks. I dreaded that day all week. Not because I didn’t love her and want to celebrate her day. No I dreaded it because I do love her (she’s one of my many blessings in moving to CO) and wanted her day to be perfect. The whole week, I had been around a lot of people, but I hadn’t been around people that know me well. I didn’t want to take away her spotlight. The day wasn’t about me it was about her.

I knew that she and one other friend would spot my mood instantly.

Everyone is so impressed and awed by the freedom I’ve experienced in the last nine months. They are so proud of who I am becoming. They love that I have hope again, that am excited about life, that I feel alive and are amazed at how open I am now.

I sometimes wonder if my reluctance now to talk about the hard stuff is because I don’t want to ruin the testimony of the freedom.

A dear friend questioned me when I stumbled a few months ago. But you were set free from that stronghold, I don’t understand.

So isn’t that just another form of bondage? Another way for satan to get you back in chains? To tell you that you can’t be open when you stumble because it ruins your testimony.

There is still grace, even after stumbling out of your freedom. Grace pulls you back into freedom.

2007-10-30T02:21:00.000-05:00

A mediocre existence

A long line of which

A call

That goes beyond imagination

The two do not equal

Nor come close

A great chasm

I am not enough

Don’t know where

To begin

All of Him

Less of me

Trust

Not only in His guiding eye

But that which He weaved into

My very being

Written by Heather Diane Tipton

Train Tracks

2007-10-17T02:02:00.001-05:00

Most people assume life is like a rollercoaster. You have your highs and your lows. Twists and turns.

I read something recently that said life is more like a train track. Good things and bad things running parallel to each other. You always have both going on. Not one or the other.

The parallel train track one is the one I really understand right now.

My job doesn’t support me.

I can not afford a place of my own.

Things are stressful.

And yet…

Moving to Colorado was and is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The mountains alone bring me great joy. The awesomeness of His beautiful creation.

Feeling alive for the first time in years, having a hope for the future, being able to dream again. Freedom… sweet freedom. Birthing of emotions long held back.

Relational. Learning to be relational with people. I had a little taste of this before but in the last few months it’s been on a whole new level.

It’s not one or the other. Good or bad. It’s both. Same time. God is in the middle of it all. If you’re having trouble seeing the good track… ask the Father to show it to you.

***I wrote the above about two months ago and haven’t gotten around to posting it til now. I’ll be completely honest, this last week I’ve been having a really hard time with this. I do see the good track, but my focus has been on the bad track. It’s not been fun. It’s been hard. I’m sure I haven’t been fun to be around. Tonight as I sit here and prepare this blog to post it occurs to me that one track or the other shouldn’t be our focus. Our focus needs to be right there in the center, on our Father. Yes, I still think you need to ask him to show you the good if you don’t see it, however it shouldn’t be our focus. When our focus is on Him, we can be aware of both tracks but we’re not consumed with them. Both the good and bad mean nothing without the Father.

Forgive me Father for focusing on the wrong things. Help me put my eyes right back on you where they belong. And bring the joy back… the joy that comes from having my focus on you no matter the good or the bad going on around me. In Jesus name.

2007-10-14T01:24:00.000-05:00

You’re amazed at me

My unwavering trust

Following no matter

Where the path leads

Do not be amazed at me

I am weak

And tired, oh so tired

This road is a hard one

Granted I see beauty

Others can only dream

Some days I can’t imagine

How others live their lives

Without this trust

Other days, I envy them

With their secure little boxes

The Lord is still Lord over them

But this is all I’ve ever known

I know no other way to live

Than this

Whole-heartedly

Trusting when all reason

Tells you not too

Doggedly looking for the light

To shine on the next step

And if there’s no light

Standing firm

Desperately seeking the

One who can sustain me

Written by Heather Diane Tipton

Grateful

2007-10-07T09:06:00.001-05:00

Picture by Tanya Vander

Bumps pop out on my legs after wading through the cold river to my boulder. Trees tower on either side of me, like sentries. View of the mountains in every direction. Breathe in His glorious creation. After He shows me how He’s been stripping away so many things in my life – It only being a precursor of what was to come – big fat drops of rain fall on my head. I can’t help but laugh and sing out let it rain.

Lord? You know how you give Niki a heart-shaped rock on special occasions?

Could you give me something special?

It’s all around you.

Sigh. That’s so not what I meant and you know it!

Chuckle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, Father, forgive me for not being grateful for what is all around me. You have blessed me in such wondrous ways. I love everything about the mountains You created, thank You for moving me to a place where I can view them every day and behold Your glory. Thank You for the people You’ve put in my life, to walk beside me, lead me, and push me. Thank You for all You have done in me. Even the hard stuff… ESPECIALLY the hard stuff.

anger

2007-10-05T00:20:00.000-05:00

Anger
Raging and boiling
Bubbling below the surface

Fear that it’ll erupt
On some poor unsuspecting soul
That it’ll always consume

Jipped
Sense of entitlement
All weave their tentacles

Let it go

A little girl sits alone in a barren room. There are scratches on her. She is seething.

Sun bursts through the lone window and casts a glow around her. She holds out her hand and marvels at the pretty rainbow of colors tumbling through the room. She reaches out a hand to catch a purple ray. Her eyes close in delight. The colors dance across her eyelids.

Taking a deep breath, she releases it, the anger flows from her.

Her eyes pop open to see the scratches that she had lived with for so long were gone. She rushes to the mirror on the wall. The reflection staring back at her isn’t a little girl, but a beautiful woman…

Robin Caroll!!!

2007-10-02T01:32:00.000-05:00

I know I said this was going to be a Heather-fest this week, but my very dear friend Robin Miller... writing as Robin Caroll has her first book out this month and I encourage you to go... (after you read this post!) out and buy it, heck buy five copies and hand them out to your friends. Speaking of five copies... I'm giving away three. (we were talking about five, but heck I have to keep two for myself!) Everyone who comments will be entered into a drawing to win her book. I took great pleasure in critting this book while Robin wrote it. Robin has been a very good friend for several years now. She's been beside me through some rough stuff and encouraged me, loved me and kicked my butt the whole way through. I thank God for the day He blessed me with Robin's friendship.

She is guest blogging today... I'll be back tomorrow with more about me... because you know... IT'S ALL ABOUT ME! LOL

Enjoy!

Heather asked me to share a little of my spiritual journey and how the lessons I’ve learned show up in my books. Personally, I’ve always been a Christian. Sorry, no big salvation scene to share. Not of my own anyway. Sure, after high school I didn’t walk as close to God as I should have—did some things I later confessed and repented for—but deep down, my heart always belonged to Christ. But there are always issues God deals with us on…

Everyone who knows me well knows I’m not big on the “p” word. Yeah, it’s a virtue, but I’ve never been keen on it. Ever. Period. But about a year ago, God began dealing with me on my lack of patience. (There, I said the word. See, that’s growth, right? LOL) Slowly but surely, I came to understand that EVERYTHING is in God’s timing and not according to my personal timetable. Thus, this lesson became the basic theme for the first book in the bayou series, Bayou Justice. In the book, while there’s voodoo, family vendettas, generations-old secrets, and murder abounding, the heroine, CoCo LeBlanc must learn the vital lesson I learned—God’s timing is perfect, even if it doesn’t match up with our own.

About 3 years ago, the Holy Spirit nudged me toward a closer relationship with Jesus, where worship was more essential. Having been raised in a conservative church, some of the praise and worship that filled my heart felt very foreign to me. Yet, when God starts dealing with us, I’ve learned it’s easier to pay close attention and not fight because He’s gonna win! LOL And thus the theme for book 2, Bayou Corruption, was born. Amid smuggling, political corruption, and of course, murder, the heroine, Alyssa LeBlanc, is called to have a personal relationship with Christ, which at first seems very strange to her.

Last year, God showed me I was too quick to pass judgment, even when I didn’t realize I was doing it. You know the drill—once God began dealing with me about having no right to judge others, there was no going back. Things happened in my life that let me see the “other side” and how it feels to be judged when the facts are skewed. So the theme for book 3, Bayou Judgment, is about trusting God for judgment, not other people.

Book 4 in the series, Bayou Paradox, is the book I’m working on completing right now. It’s the first book in the series that the theme isn’t a personal lesson-claiming salvation. But what a powerful lesson to be learned. I got the nudge to actually write a salvation scene into fiction after talking with many people and hearing their salvation stories. I pray I’ll do it justice.

The last proposed book in the series will deal with forgiveness and God’s grace, something God continually ministers to me about. Now, if I can just get the proposal on it turned in. LOL

Thank you, Heather, for allowing me to share part of my spiritual journey and tell how it’s influenced my books. Blessings to you and all your blog readers!

before and after

2007-10-01T00:11:00.000-05:00

It’s been a while since I posted, eh? (yeah, yeah, I know I had a guest blogger, but I also know many of you would smack me for saying that counts.) There’s been a lot going on.

I’m still here, I’m still alive (more so than ever!), God is still good. All the time.

I’m not sure I know how to write here anymore. As of late, as I’m sure you’ve noticed all I’ve been able to do is write poetry. Which was good for me in a way, but even with that, I’ve not posted since the beginning of September.

I’m going to try and post every day for at least a week to catch everyone up on things, instead of dumping it all in one post. :o)

Below starts the real post…

BEFORE…

I want to write. I’ve wanted to write for a long time. I had other dreams before writing. Big dreams. One of them… I wanted to own my own publishing house. I still do.

But right now I want to write. To put my hands to the keyboard and let the words flow like water rushing down a riverbed in the mountains after the snow melts. Tumbling out, and over rocks, always smooth. Refreshing to those that dip into it. Peace to someone that marvels at the wondrous creation. Invigorating to the ones that go all in… diving deep.

Words held back, and stuffed down so long, I’m not sure of them ever breaking free. Words, like hope, dreams and emotions, which had no place before…now have a place, but are hard in coming.

AFTER…

I wrote the above almost two months ago. Two weeks after I wrote it, the Lord asked me to give Him my writing. I struggled with it for a week. I finally gave it to Him. I grieved it hard for a day. He in turn gave me great peace. If I never write another word (blogging doesn’t count!) I’m okay with it. If the only reason He gave me the talent to write was to get me to where I am, I’m perfectly fine with it. Do I think He’ll ever give it back? I do. And when He does, I know what I’m supposed to write. But until He gives me permission… I’m done.

Camy Tang!!!!

2007-09-28T14:38:00.000-05:00

Today I have the great pleasure of promoting a very special friend. Camy Tang has a great new book out from Zondervan. Check it out.... Sushi for One?

Camy was one of the first people in this industry that I became friends with. She along with another friend pushed me into joining ACFW back when it was still ACRW. And I'll forever be grateful to her for that. I love this girl!

She's guest blogging today.... here she is... enjoy....

First off, thanks to Heather for letting me guest blog today.

Heather’s blog has always been about her spiritual journey, and she asked me to talk about mine. My spiritual journey has always been a struggle with obedience, especially in things I don’t want to do. Not a unique problem, I’m sure everyone can relate.

It’s hard when my head knows God’s will is what’s best for me, but I just don’t want to do it. Take my writing—when God told me to lay it down and give it back to Him, it took months of struggle, angst, and stress before I did.

I wasn’t happy. I was actually rather resentful. I wasn’t joyful in obedience. But I was obedient.

I put away all my manuscripts. I stopped talking about writing. I stopped talking to writers (not that I knew many then).

Was I happy in those years I wasn’t writing? No. But I got less resentful, I drew closer to God, I started to feel satisfied that I HAD obeyed Him, even though it had been hard.

And then after being laid off from work, God gave my writing back to me. It was a wonderful moment. Humbling, too.

I still struggle with obedience. God telling me to do things I don’t want to do. Me talking back, arguing, disobeying, feeling guilty. You’d think that after that big act of obedience about something so important to me, I’d have learned how to obey a bit better by now. Nope, I’m still stubborn.

But I think I’m getting there. It takes less time for me to decide to just obey, and I don’t feel as resentful as I used to. I’m hoping that means that Christ is reworking my character to be more in line with His, and if that’s the case, then I don’t mind the hard acts of obedience God puts me through. I want to ultimately be more like Christ, and if this is what I have to do to get there, then I’m almost (note the almost) happy to do it.

I’m hoping this is all making me more loving, more giving, more sacrificing, more unselfish. That’s a tall order, but we have a tall God.

2007-09-02T03:00:00.000-05:00

I walk as if on air

Nothing below or above

Never knowing my next step

Wait

Wait, my beloved.

Wait.

Incredible peace

Soothing waves of calm

Voices telling me

I must have a back up

Can’t live in cardboard

As if I didn’t know

Thanks for the triggers

Love having a plan

And a back up

But it’s not for me to have

Wait for the Lord,

Be strong

And let your heart take courage

Wait for the Lord!

Written by Heather Diane Tipton
Picture taken by Tonya Vander

2007-08-19T21:28:00.001-05:00

This thing you ask of me

It isn’t easy

This is my world

The ramifications of this

The possible outcomes

I am grieving even now

I pray that’s not the case

That this is just a test

I trust You

No matter which

Plans for good

Sustaining grace

It is Yours

Come away, my Beloved

I am Yours

Written by Heather Diane Tipton
Picture taken by Tonya Vander

Friends

2007-08-03T00:53:00.000-05:00

I’m not the easiest person to be friends with. I take things literal. I want to know how and why on the most basic of things. Things that most people would take at face value. I don’t know how to take it at face value. That’s why I want to know the how and why. I want details. When someone says something, I want to make sure I understand what they mean. Sadly that translates to frustrated people in my life always having to explain things.

Three years ago, I didn’t know anything about friendships. I’d stuffed down so much for so long during my hermithood.

Cheryl came along and pulled me kicking and screaming from hermithood.

Paula taught me to cry, and love again.

Pammer became the sister I always wanted.

Robin won’t let me get away with any self-pity etc.

Lisa extended me such hospitality, understanding and love.

Claudia Mair, allows me to love, see beauty, be messy and gifted me with a tattoo.

Dineen has made it safe to be me. And given me a best friend.

Countless others have blessed me with their friendships. Niki, Jan, Sharen, Candy, Tonya, Megan, Camy, Jen, Kim, Danica, Janice, Eileen, Marian and there are other’s I’m sure I’m forgetting.

All of them have allowed me to be able to glimpse the beauty that PapaFather placed inside me. Through their eyes I can see it.

Through all these changes the Lord has brought about, especially the last month or so… things are shifting. The freedom, feeling alive, joy, becoming a healthy person emotionally and spiritually. All those bring big changes. Changes the dynamics of all kinds of things.

Some people aren’t too sure what to do with the new me. (that makes two of us!) some are unsure of their place in my life now. all adds up to making me insecure in most of my friendships.

Even with the insecurities, and the frustrated friends, I’m blessed beyond measure. My cup runneth over.

2007-07-28T16:21:00.000-05:00

Freedom, freedom

Blessed freedom

Grace given

By a merciful PapaFather

Almost makes you want to hide

When you take a fall

Despite still feeling the freedom

How can you fail when you’re free

How can you be depressed

How can you stumble yet again

There is one

Who wants you in chains once more

Who’ll do what he has to

To get you back

Shake it off

Take the plunge

Immerse yourself

In the grace and freedom

written by Heather Diane Tipton

Fourth of July

2007-07-11T02:45:00.000-05:00

How could it be so hard to let go? It’s just a rock. Small, about half the size of my palm, mottled browns and reds with flecks of gold catching the little bit of sunshine peaking out from it’s hiding place behind the clouds. I caress the bits of dirt and moss off it’s rough surface.

Tearing my eyes from it I stare at the rushing water below me. The water dipped and whirled around stones under it’s teeming surface.

Just raise your hand, draw back your arm and fling it forward with all you have in you…

The mountain peaks above me in the distance draw my gaze. Peace from Papa’s wonderful creation seeps into my pores. What grace to create something so beautiful so we might get a glimpse of how much He cares for us.

I suck in a deep breath and think of my best friend’s words, again. “You have something to leave behind.”

Dineen was dead on, but at the same time there was an inkling of uncertainty if it would happen. If the Papa I’d only begun to know would honor what I wanted to do.

For you see, I was holding on to a lot of things that were no longer a part of me. Those things didn’t define me anymore, but yet I held on to them. Only I didn’t realize how tightly til now in this very spot, when I wanted to release this rock I had just told the Lord represented, hating holidays and everything else I had stuffed down. I’m tired of not living, Lord. I give you all of my fear too… that’s held me back from living.

I didn’t think it would be this hard. With a deep breath I throw it. It lands with a splash, the rushing waters take with it any ripple effects that might have been left behind in it’s wake.

A short hike down a hill with a sprained ankle, collapsing in a seat in the van and ten minutes later there’s a tap on the shoulder.

“We’re not done.”

Are you kidding me? I will have to hike back up that steep incline.

“Uh-huh, we’re not done.”

Back at the top I grab one more rock.

“Why don’t you get two?”

Sigh.

Okay, Lord, this one represents everything that’s been holding me back from writing. I’m ready to be the writer you created me to be. Plunk.

This one represents everything holding me back from the woman you created me to be. I’m ready to be that woman. Splash.

An hour later, another tap on the shoulder. A chuckle. “It’s Independence Day.”

You Alone

© 1998 Words and Music by Jack Parker and David Crowder

You are the only one I need
I bow all of me at Your feet
I worship You alone

You have given me more than
I could ever have wanted
I want to give you my heart and my soul

You alone are Father
You alone are good
You alone are Savior
You alone are God

I'm alive I'm alive
I'm alive I'm alive

This Blog Rocks!

2007-07-01T17:56:00.000-05:00

My blog received the Rockin' Girl Blogger award today (okay so it was really a couple of days ago when I got it.) thanks to one of my dearest friends Robin Caroll. Now I'm supposed to pick five blogs to receive this fun award.

hmm...

Paula Moldenhauer
Niki Nowell
Claudia Burney

And now I'm tired so you only get three. :o)

2007-06-29T01:14:00.000-05:00

A few of my favorite things…

Dr Pepper, chilled to the perfect temp

A steak grilled medium

Dark chocolate, need I say more?

A cool breeze on a hot day

The glorious mountains

The gentle lapping of waves on a sandy shore

The beauty of the Father’s creation

Which brings, beauty, peace and grace

Friends who love despite my pain-in-the-buttness

A best friend who knows me inside and out

They bring laughter, prayer, tears and shoulders

And most of all acceptance and love

Papa-Father with His gentle wooing

Arms ready to comfort and bring rest

Always guiding, always patient

Bringer of grace and peace

And most of all acceptance and love

written by heather diane tipton

2007-06-22T19:29:00.000-05:00

One ball flies into the air

As another falls

And yet one more soars

Catching one, tossing another

Different sizes, varying colors

Elation as you let go of one,

Groaning as you catch the other

So many things up in the air

All belong to you

No, all belong to Him

Let go

written by Heather Diane Tipton

Dancing

2007-06-11T00:26:00.001-05:00

A few days ago, I went to Paula’s daughter’s sweet sixteen birthday party. I had a blast. The party was incredible, and if anyone deserves such a cool party it’s that girl (I never had a sweet sixteen party, what’s up with that??). She always amazes me in how she is uniquely her own person and isn’t afraid to be that person.

There was dancing at this party. Let me just say up front, I don’t dance. No if, ands, or buts about it. (Although I can tell you the last time I danced, but that’s a totally different story.)

Several people tried for probably six songs to get me to dance and I always adamantly refused. At one point, I was watching everyone having fun dancing and I flashed to Sharen telling me that I am free now… I need to dance. And me always laughing at her and saying no.

I’m not sure what it is that stops me from dancing. I’m sure it’s the same thing that stops me from enjoying life period.

Hiding. Self-preservation. Stifling anything and everything. I’m not sure.

But as I watched everyone… from young to old, enjoy themselves, I wanted the freedom to do the same. I told God that I wanted to be able to dance at my wedding.

Shortly after that, I was shanghaied. Ms Maggie… a wonderful woman… grabbed me and dragged me to the dance floor. Paula, her co-conspirator grabbed my other side and they held me there. If I made to leave, one or the other would pull me back. Granted it wasn’t much dancing… there isn’t much dancing called for for I love rock n roll.

This is one of many areas the Lord has been showing me lately, that I don’t know how to enjoy life.

From Ecclesiastes 3 read from The Message, “I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift.”

This is what I’m trying to live. I’m trying to enjoy this new life the Lord has blessed me with.

Beloved

2007-06-03T03:02:00.000-05:00

Beloved. I’ve talked before about how much I love that word. Beloved… that goes beyond loved. Adored. Much-loved. Dearly loved. Favorite. Darling. I’ve had a fascination with this word for a long time. It’s been a deep-seated desire to have that. To be someone’s beloved.

When I was in my early teens I read a book… apparently a very bad book since I don’t remember the title or even the plot of the story, and I always remember those… but there was a quote in this book that always stuck with me. Well not the exact quote, but the gist of it anyway.

It talked about marriages and how in marriage there is always one that is beloved and one that is loved. One is always more loved than the other. One is adored.

I can remember reading that and just knowing I was destined to be the loved… and not the beloved.

I really think that messed with who I am. Colored a lot of things in my life for a lot of years. I think it also ties in with the whole unworthiness thing. So much of who I am goes back to that quote that I let jack with me.

A couple of weeks ago I was at the CCWC conference. One of the days of the conference… I had enough of people. I wanted to be left alone. So after my roommates left at 7am I went back to sleep. Slept for a couple of hours before getting up. I knew most people would be in the workshops but I hoped that Danica was taking it easy in her room anyway. Because you see, she had a balcony and I didn’t. I wanted to borrow her balcony. Lucky me, she was there and graciously allowed me access to it.

I sat out there with an incredible view of the mountains. I ignored the parking lot below me and the buildings surrounding me and focused on the awesomeness of His creation. I brought three essential things. My Bible, my journal and my cd player with a worship cd in it. I read some of the Bible and ignored my journal like I normally do. The worship was blasting in my ears.

Finally, I could stand it no longer, I had to stand up. I laid the Bible in the chair and leaned against the railing. I centered my gaze on the mountains and took a deep breath as if I could inhale that glorious view. I draw such peace from the mountains… most of His creation I can do that with. I never stopped worshiping along with the cd.

I didn’t hear an audible voice. I didn’t see it written in the clouds. But clear as day, imprinted on my heart were the words, “You are my Beloved.”

And that quote that I had forgotten about reading came back to me clear as day. It came with the knowledge that the Lord just proved me wrong in believing that I would never be the beloved one.

Tears sprang to my eyes and then a chuckle I couldn’t hold back. I am His Beloved.

Photo taken by Candice Speare

2007-05-26T18:55:00.000-05:00

Ever-widening circle

Different fronts

Various depths

Laughter, tears,

Love, prayer

Shoot the breeze

Heart-level

All things in between

Shoulders that I haven’t

Quite learned to lean on

Hands that I’ve just

Begun to take

Not too fast

Nor too slow

Right beside me

A little push

A tiny pull

Freedom to be

And to be not

Motherly, sisterly

Close, Best

Gifts from God

Written by Heather Diane Tipton

2007-05-24T22:14:00.000-05:00

Words long held back

Stifled, hidden, glossed over

Buried so deep

Not sure of the way out

Would but a word

An outpouring flow

Agony of knowing

Frustration of knowing not

Deep calls to deep

Oh to call ‘em forth

Healing, love, grace

And freedom

Sound the trumpets

For they are coming

Written by Heather Diane Tipton

TAGGED!!!

2007-05-13T01:50:00.000-05:00

Okay, I hate being tagged. I hate memes. And I usually avoid them. Or ignore them. Ignorance is bliss? But I don’t see that I can really get out of this one. First it was the, oh so seemingly innocent Gina Holmes who tagged me. (Who knew she had a personal blog that she never uses? LOL) After Gina it all gets fuzzy… but these are the people that tagged me. My lovely best friend Dineen Miller (I don’t care that you were desperate! LOL). My fuzzy wuzzy friend Camy Tang. LOLOL Sharon Hinck, Eileen Key, Tiff Miller, Megan DiMaria, and Rachelle Gardner(Okay technically she didn’t tag me tag me… but she did tag all Colorado bloggers so that’s me! LOL). Wait, that’s only eight people. I coulda swore I was tagged by nine. Who am I forgetting? Hmmm if I can’t remember that means Camy wins!!! We were seeing who got tagged more and she has nine. I knew I should have written this sooner! I don’t remember! Waaaa! LOL sigh, oh well. If I remember I’ll put it up.

Here are the rules:
1. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

1.) I wear my cowboy boots more now in CO than I did in TX.

2.) I was an extra in two different movies. One you would know, the other you wouldn’t. (I went to the wrap party of one. (ha, now that was an experience.) And both were at the height of my hermithood, figure that one out! LOL The big box office hit I’ve only seen twice, the other one I’ve seen once.

3.) In the last year I’ve been in five or six states. And stayed at or been in 18 ACFW member’s homes. (Probably more than that, but it’s late LOL) I’ve spent a lot of time with ACFWers. LOL

4.) I played Raggedy Ann in a play when I was like 4.

5.) I’m a Dr. Pepper fanatic. Which btw, in CO, more often than not when you ask for DP at a restaurant, they’ll bring you a knock off. Grrr! Stupid people are under the impression that people wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. TRUST ME, I can tell!

6.) I’m also a Starbucks fanatic. Sadly I can’t afford my habit. Is it a bad sign when you know all the baristas by name and they know yours, what you like to drink and eat… and they also ask about how the characters in your book are doing that day? Okay, I don’t have that in CO….yet! That was in TX.

7.) I have 2500 books in storage in TX. I have more books than other things. LOL I need more books! More free books!

8.) I love fresh tomatoes. The more acidic the better. But hate processed tomatoes of any kind. HATE ketchup. HATE tomato sauce… which leaves out spaghetti, lasagna, etc. HATE pizza sauce. (But love pizza… if it’s alfredo! No pizza sauce! Yum! LOL) Most jar salsas suck!

Okay, that’s it. I’m done. Yay! And since I like to break the rules… I tag… NO ONE! LOL

Emotions

2007-05-05T21:01:00.000-05:00

The girl asked Him to teach her emotion. To teach her how to feel again. She didn’t realize the storm it would bring to her heart. She only knew anger. Avoiding anything else that made her feel, including touching… hugs… human contact of any kind.

He sent her gifts in the form of mighty women of God.

Tears rain down parched cheeks, one drop at a time. Laughter rings in her ears, a sound she couldn’t remember…had lost faith of ever summoning. Joy bubbles up, she marvels at the weirdness of it all. Love develops, connections made.

All of it painful…

Tears water dried up, dormant dreams of one who feared hoping for a future. Laughter nourishes like a medicine. Joy and love give wings to soar.

Sometimes so painful she wonders why she ever asked Him. Contemplates returning to her hermit ways. In a way it was easier then.

But she wasn’t living.

Tattoo

2007-05-03T18:29:00.000-05:00

This pic isn’t all that great. It’s taken with my crappy cell phone but you at least get the idea. Claudia and I both got tats last week while she was in the Spings meeting with her publisher. She blogged about it here. Paula and I went down to have dinner with Claudia. We had a blast. (Even with the whole locking the keys in the car thing. LOL) Paula went with us to the tat place and helped pick out mine before she had to go. I was the first one to get my tat. While it was being done I noticed all this smoke coming from (I assumed) the tat gun. The tat artist wasn’t freaking so I assumed all was well. Ten minutes after it started smoking he jumps up and says “Oh!” and pulls back the bottom part of the electric chair I’m in. I looked down to discover the wires in the bottom of the chair were all smoking pretty heavily. Mister tattoo artist doused the wires and then went back to doing my tat. Apparently the fish tank in there had overflowed that day.

It's above my right ankle on the outside.

Come Out and Play

2007-04-19T20:27:00.000-05:00

“There she is, again.” Henry Solomon pointed toward the window of the small cabin nearby. Jay and Father stepped away from their work and their eyes passed over the many children playing in the field of wildflowers before giving their full attention to the girl behind the single-paned glass.

“Papa, why does she always stand by the window just watching? Why won’t she come out to play?”

Father’s eyes softened. “Well, Son, it’s not time yet. She feels trapped in there and yet a little scared of coming out.”

“But I’ve seen the story of her life written in the Book. She’s made for such incredible things.” Jay whispered in awe.

“She’s known nothing but that cabin, Son, just enough to survive. I’ve visited her on many occasions and I cherish those times she lets me in. Her beauty is breathtaking, yet she doesn’t realize it. I believe it’s time she knew.” Father walked across the field, flanked by Jay and Henry. “She’s losing herself and needs to know her worth before it’s too late.” Father picked up His pace. Henry Solomon and Jay matched His stride.

Arriving at the cabin, Father’s gaze caught the girl’s attention through the window. She dropped her eyes and stepped away. Gently, Father knocked on the door. “She must open the door.”

“She’s looking toward the door now, Father, but she still seems a little scared.” Jay was looking through the pane. “But I believe I see longing there. Do you think she’s ready?”

Father held up a finger. “Wait.”

“I think she’s coming to the door.” Henry smiled.

The door opened a fraction.

“She’s ready.” Father slowly pushed the door open and sunlight flooded the cabin, spotlighting the girl.

Henry, Jay and Father held their hands out toward the girl. She hesitated for a moment, and then reached timidly for the three. Jay and Henry found her hand first and they tenderly led her to Father. The four embraced.

A twinkle in his eye, Father whispered, “Come, my child, it’s time to come out and play.”

written by Heather Diane Tipton

2007-04-02T22:13:00.001-05:00

Me with contacts...

baggage

2007-03-29T11:41:00.000-05:00

This is something that I wrote several years ago. Something happened over the weekend that brought this to mind and I thought I would share it. I posted it on my old blog, I've even read it outloud to a group of twenty. I considered editing it before posting it here but I'm walking out the door for the weekend and just thought I would share it.

Row upon row of people stand in lines snaking back and forth into the distance, all have some sort of baggage on their backs. What is it everyone carries? Setting my drawstring bag down, I walk over to them.

The first person I come to is a woman dressed to the nines in the latest fashions. She has a gorgeous pink Prada handbag over her shoulder. Taking it from her, I open it and turn it upside down. Outpours gallons upon gallons of black sludge. How did she put so much sludge into such a small space and why doesn’t it weigh her down more?

The next person is a workman with a huge trunk on his back, the weight of it bending him in half. Taking it from him, I open the trunk. To my shock, there is only a thimble full of sludge in his trunk. Why does he let something so small weigh him down so much?

Do I really want to look at any more baggage? Looking off in the distance, I see all manner of people with all different kinds of baggage on their backs. Some are barely crawling under the weight, others act like they don’t know it is there, but I can see it in their eyes, they know. The look is the same in all their eyes. Hopelessness.

A person in all white standing to the side draws my attention. He has no baggage. Even from this distance, I can see the sadness in His eyes as He looks upon all the people. Going back to my drawstring bag, I pick it up and walk to Him.

“Sir? Why does everyone have this baggage? Why don’t they lay it down?”

With love in His eyes, He says to me, “Why don’t you?”

My gaze flies to my bag and my hand tightens it hold. “But I’ve held on for so long.”

“I know, don’t you think it is time to lay it down? Do you not trust me?”

“Yes, I trust you. But it is hard.”

“Trust me, child.”

“But…”

“Trust.”

I drop the bag at His feet. Black sludge bubbles up from the bag. Unworthiness, unlovable, lust, hate, gluttony, greed, selfishness, and all kinds of words floated from that bag.

Shame fills me, I reach to try and push all the sludge back into the bag but He stops me with His hand.

“Trust. Shame no more. Trust.”

2007-03-22T02:17:00.001-05:00

It’s come to me recently that I’m not entirely sure the reason I was where I was for so long. Why didn’t I get a job sooner? Why didn’t I move out sooner? Yes, I took care of my mother for ten years. Yes, she had back issues that prohibited her from being able to do much for herself at times. But it wasn’t year around.

So that brings up more questions. Lazy? Scared? Hiding? I’ve garnered sympathy for taking care of her, had people tsk tsk that I had to give up my life at such a young age to take care of her.

I was never asked to give up my life to do that. But I know no one else would have done it. I wasn’t encouraged to do anything other than what I did. Co-dependant? Martyr? What you know is better than what you don’t?

There were years in there where I would be very close to the Lord. He taught me things better than any man could. Just Him and me. But toward the end, I started to lose myself. I started cutting Him off too. I do think part of that hermithood was what He wanted, in the beginning. But I embraced it too whole-heartedly, used it as an excuse to hide from the world. Started hiding from myself and from Him as well. Started losing myself.

I believe right when I was about to lose myself for good, He opened up the door and pushed me through it….I landed in Colorado. Where I’m beginning to discover myself and Him again.

Other people keep our souls alive...

2007-03-19T19:48:00.000-05:00

I’ve been very unsettled in my spirit lately. There’s a lot going on. A lot God is dealing with. A lot that satan is trying his best to thwart. I’m not sure which is causing me to be so unsettled or if it’s a combination.

This past week I actually read a nonfiction book. Yes, I know I don’t read nonfiction, I’m actually reading three… er two now that I just finished one.

I finished Blue Like Jazz today. And frankly Donald Miller’s thought process in this book drove me a little nuts. But yet at the same time I was able to finish the book. Which is saying a lot considering I can’t recall the last nonfic book I actually read much less finished. It also says a lot that I actually highlighted a few things. I don’t do that to books, I think it’s sacrilegious.

Here’s a couple of things I highlighted.

“When you live on your own for a long time, however, your personality changes because you go so much into yourself you lose the ability to be social, to understand what is and isn’t normal behavior. There is an entire world inside yourself, and if you let yourself, you can get so deep inside it you will forget the way to the surface. Other people keep our souls alive, just like food and water does with our bodies.”

“The soul needs to interact with other people to be healthy.”

This is so my life.

The part about losing the ability to be social. I so understand that. I suck at it.

The whole forgetting the way to the surface, I totally get that, I’m currently fighting my way to the surface. And it’s pretty freakin’ hard.

The part about people keeping our souls alive… that’s why I say I had no choice but to move from SA to Denver. I was dying there. Was losing myself. It was leave or die. So I don’t know, when people talk about how brave it was for me to make this move, I tend to blow them off. Move or die. That’s not much of a choice in my opinion. I guess it was a leap of faith considering what my checking account looked like when I moved here but still.

Don also has a chapter in this book about loving yourself. Man I have such a hard time with that one. Have a hard time letting people love me too. He has a line in that chapter that says,

“I pray often that God would give me the strength and dignity to receive their love.”

That’s my new prayer.

Would have totally emailed him and told him my views on his book if I had his email addy. LOL

Blessings Y’all.

2007-03-05T21:45:00.001-06:00

In for a penny, in for a pound
Both feet forward
Submerse yourself

Why do it, if not all the way

In for a penny, find yourself trapped
In for a pound, freedom will be yours

Penny, pound, all covered in grace

Hand in His
I’m all in
Both feet forward
Submerging myself

written by Heather Diane Tipton

It IS all about me

2007-03-04T18:31:00.000-06:00

Apparently, it IS all about me. Only this isn’t a good thing. Sigh. I’ve joked for a long time with people that the world revolved around me and it was all about me. But I was totally kidding. I don’t actually think that.

Last Sunday, I was minding my own business, had worship music going and reading emails. A friend jokingly said in the email it was all about me. The Lord tapped me on the shoulder and said:

“Our relationship is all about you.”

Uh…

“You worship me because of what I can do for you, not simply for who I am.”

Uh…

“You thank me for what I do for you, and not simply for who I am.”

Uh…

What do you say to that? Man. I can remember being little and I would just worship and thank Him for who He was. The love relationship we had was amazing. Granted I know that I was young, but still. Surely I can have some of that back. Only deeper and more mature now.

It’s interesting this new journey the Lord is taking me on. It’s like a journey back into His heart…or maybe that’s my heart? I use to love Song of Solomon because it spoke so much of His love for us. He calls us His beloved 22 times in SOS. How awesome is that? (Go check out Paula’s post from yesterday about SOS, it’s awesome.) But somewhere along the way I lost that. I’ve avoided SOS actually. I think I know why too… unfortunately that’s not something you get to hear about. LOL

Even this week someone brought it up to me and I thought no I can’t read that. But then I read Paula’s post and I think maybe I can. I need to open myself up to that and not be afraid of my other issues.

Blessings y’all!

Belonging part II

2007-02-23T14:24:00.000-06:00

I think there has been a bit of a misunderstanding in regards to the post I wrote the other day about belonging. My post below more had to do with a husband. I have wonderful people in my life. Wonderful friends that I stand in awe of my wonderful Savior for. That He would place these incredible people in my life just astounds me.

Some of the people are friends, and some have adopted me as a daughter. The majority of them…I’m a part of their family. I have families like these all over the country. I have a ton of kids calling me Aunt Heather.

I belong to these people. I belong to them because this is where God placed me. Some of them, God wouldn’t let them give up on me when I kept blowing them off because I didn’t want to be open, or I didn’t want to feel. I wrote a really bad article once that never saw the light of day. In this article, I mentioned how God kept throwing certain people in my life over and over no matter how hard I tried to get rid of them. LOL Some of these people, I joke that they only became my friend after I pestered them. Either way, these people are in my life for a reason. I’m in theirs for a reason. Some are for a season, and some (I pray) are for a lifetime. I don’t know which for most of them. But I’m secure in the knowledge that God hasn’t let me down in the friend department and if I lose someone because they are only for a season…then I know that God will bring someone new into my life. He’s shown me this over and over.

They’ve taught me how to be open and honest. How to feel, how to deal with feeling. They’ve taught me what it means to be a true friend and how to be that true friend. They’ve taught me how to love. They’ve taught me how to seek the Lord more. And they’ve even begun to teach me how to accept me for me.

I would name names here but I know I would forget someone and hurt someone’s feelings and I don’t want to do that. So instead, I’ll say…y’all know who you are. I love you and I thank you for being what/who you are in my life. Thank you for allowing me to belong to you.

collections

2007-02-18T12:43:00.000-06:00

Some people collect stamps, postcards, snow globes...and the list goes on. I’ve even known someone who collected husbands. The world is full of interesting collections.

I love old books. I love new books. I love books that are in perfect condition and I love books that you have to have a rubber band wrapped around them to hold them together. I love the unmarred pages and I love dog-eared and highlighted portions of good writing. I love that new-book smell and I love the musty smell of old books. I love the feel of the smooth covers of new books, the supple leather of Bibles and the brittleness of a book published long ago. All of these I collect. Most people understand my love for collecting these.

I have a collection that most people don’t understand. Some scoff, some laugh and some just shake their head at another oddity that is all Heather.

What is this collection you ask? I collect reasons not to have kids. I’ve never wanted kids. Don’t want them under any circumstance with the exception if God smacks me and says but *I* want you to have kids.

So when friends talk about their kids projectile puking all over them… I add it to my list. When they mention the mashed peas smeared into the kids hair … I add it to my list. When their bathroom is flooded because the kid wanted to see how many things he/she could flush, it gets put on the list.

In truth, I don’t collect these reasons, I do however say, “there’s yet another reason not to have children.” in response to people talking about their kids doing horrendous things. It’s not like I keep track of these things, I don’t write them down in a journal to put up on my shelf to go with my collection of books. It’s just me being funny…even if there is a bit of truth in it. :o)

This post is for Niki. I was talking to her the other night and told her I collect reasons not to have kids she thought it was funny. So we decided I should blog about this. So here ya go Niki!

Belonging

2007-02-12T19:11:00.001-06:00

I had a bit of an emotional morning yesterday. I suppose we could chalk it up to PMS.

I tend to observe families a lot when I’m around them. Especially the last six months or so. I’ve had the privilege to be around a lot of loving families… a lot of loving couples in the last few months. I think it was a total God thing being able to see these families/couples. To see how a healthy relationship looks like. Not perfect, but healthy.

Some people may think I’m bored since I’m just sitting there quietly. But that so isn’t the case, I enjoy being able to see what a happy/healthy marriage looks like. What a healthy relationship between a parent and child looks like.

It gives me hope to see these things.

I spent the weekend at one of my closest friend’s house. I always feel VERY comfortable and welcome at her house. I do this observing thing at her house too.

Yesterday, sitting in their van with their whole family on the way to church I got a little teary. (I can’t believe I’m talking about this on my blog, so much for the end, eh?) It wasn’t anything they did or didn’t do.

It just hit me, I don’t have what they have. I don’t have what I observe in all these different families. That belonging. Yeah, while I’m there or anywhere really, they treat me as a part of their family, I never feel left out. I have “families” like that all over the country. But I don’t belong. I’ve never felt like I belonged with my family neither. I don’t belong anywhere…with the exception of knowing I belong in CO.

Then at church, during worship I just started praying that belonging to Him would be enough. That He would make that enough. More than enough.

I didn’t explain this as well as I would have liked but I had a hard time putting this into words without making anyone take what I say wrong.

Blessings Y’all.