For the last month I’ve had symptoms of a heart attack. The chest pains was so great that I don’t remember much of the month. I would sit on a couch for hours in a complete daze. It was not pretty.

On day three of these pains, friends talked me into going to the ER—fearing I was having a heart attack. I went reluctantly—fearing I would be told it was just stress or all in my head.

The ER experience was interesting. The result was basically… you’re not having a heart attack, you can go home now.

Not having insurance, nor a “day” job it is really hard to get in to see a doctor. Finally got an appt for this past Friday…Which meant a month of chest pains. A month of knowing I wasn’t having a heart attack and a month of people telling me it was stress.

Which meant a month of me beating myself up because to me if I’m under that much stress that my body was freaking out that called into question that whole “I am trusting the Lord to take care of me.” Of which I thought I had grown so much in the last two years. But if I was having chest pains because of stress, was I really trusting Him??

I kept rejecting that it was all stress. Because I DO trust Him. I may have my moments of freakout/meltdown/what the hell am I doing, but I trust Him. He hasn’t let me down yet. Even now when things don’t look so great financially, He is still my provider. Jehovah Jireh.

Went to the Doctor on Friday morning. It isn't cardiac. (Thank God!) He diagnosed it as Costochondritis and stress.

Definition: Costochondritis is an inflammation of the cartilage that connects a rib to the breastbone (sternum). It causes sharp pain in the costosternal joint — where your ribs and breastbone are joined by rubbery cartilage. Pain caused by costochondritis may mimic that of a heart attack or other heart conditions.)

I had a rib that was totally slipped out of where it should be. Not sure if the Costochondritis caused it or the other way around.

I’ve already had it popped back in twice now. Here’s praying it doesn’t slip back again!

A week ago Friday I was sitting in my friend, Heather's kitchen helping her get ready to leave the next day for a photography conference. During the course of our day she got a phone call, and in the middle of it I hear these words "I know someone who would be willing to do that and she's sitting in my kitchen right now."

A member of the crew had to back out at the last second and they needed a fill in... in steps me. =)

It was held up in Breckenridge. So let's see... I would get to stay in a resort, surrounded by mountains, all my meals provided, get to hang out with super-cool people and the chance to learn a little bit about photography? I'm so there!

When I got there, there was a bit of confusion with two Heathers walking in. (We were Heather Squared to some...) So, me being the sarcastic person I am, I piped up and said I was the "cute Heather".



So for a week, I was known as Cute Heather. LOL

I had a blast. By far one of the best working vacations I've ever had. (beating everyone at air hockey pretty much rocked too... LOL)

Exciting news!

A really wonderful friend of mine, Kimberley Woodhouse, has a book coming out later this year. Kim is my honest/blunt, tell it like it is friend. Her and her family are family to me.

I've had the great pleasure of reading her book... several times now. And every time I'm amazed at her incredible story and how cool God is through it all. Each time I've read it, I've gotten something new out of it.

I'm so excited to announce that Welcome Home: Our Family's Journey to Extreme Joy is now available for pre-order on amazon and cbd. I highly encourage everyone to order the book. You won't regret it.

I can’t help but wonder how often do we miss those cues from those we love. Ones telling us they need to be listened too, loved on, hugged, or prayer. Are we too busy to see them? Wrapped up in our own junk?

Or worse, we see the cues and we ignore them because we don’t want to deal with it, or we don’t have the energy to deal with them.

Sometimes they’re so subtle it’s hard to see. Others are a huge cry for help.

Oh Lord, help me be a better friend. I don’t want to continue to drop the ball where those I love are concerned. Help me see those cues, show me when to push and when to pull. When I don’t have the energy to deal with what those cues may mean, give me Yours. Help me not to be so wrapped up in my own junk. Give me ears to hear what they and You need me to hear. In Jesus name. Amen.

drowning

Over a year ago, when I was in a pit of depression I felt like I was drowning. Which was not a great feeling.

Fast forward to now. For the last month or so I’ve felt that feeling again. When I realized what that feeling was I got a little angry. I didn’t understand the reason for the feeling. I wasn’t in a pit of depression, why was I drowning?

But at the same time, it wasn’t exactly the same.

I got a little mad at God. “Why am I feeling like this again? I don’t understand. Why is it different?”

“Because this time you’re breathing while you’re drowning.”

Ummm… was that supposed to be helpful? I’m still drowning.

But He is right. This time, I’m breathing.

I know He has a plan for me. I know the water won’t overtake me. (Jeremiah 29:11 & Isaiah 43) So, I’m holding on to that. And I’m trusting yet again.

Wind

A change is in the air

The breeze is blowing
Can even smell it

Don’t know what it looks like
What it will mean
Where I’ll end up

Some days are more gusty
Others barely a puff of air
But always the wind

The One behind the wind
He’s always sustained me
No matter where the wind blows

Arms wide open
In acceptance
Not my will
But Yours

written by Heather Diane Tipton March '09

About a year ago, I didn’t see how it would be possible to have a place of my own on what I made at my job.

Then the Lord moved me into a place of my own… and I no longer had a job.

I did my taxes last week and had to laugh.

What I made in the second six months of the year was only a tenth of what I made in the first six months when I couldn’t afford to live on my own.

The Lord continually amazes me on how He takes care of my bills every month. Every month it’s done in a different way. Every month I’m wowed at how cool my Father is.

It amuses me, there are several people that email me once a month just to see how the Lord paid my rent that month.

Obedience

I don’t understand why when you’re being obedient it’s so painful. And I’m not talking the actual act of obedience, all though I know that is painful at times too. But I’m referring to the aftermath of that obedience. The consequences. Like you’ve been sucker punched.

It doesn’t make me not want to be obedient… just wished it didn’t hurt so much.

I will continue being obedient because I don’t know any other way to live my life. Yes, I argue with the Lord about things sometimes, but He always wins. I actually argue less now than I used too. growth lol.

I’m continually amazed at “Christians” who don’t understand the concept of following Jesus WHEREVER He may lead you. Even when it doesn’t make sense, or goes against all logic and everyone you know thinks you’ve lost the last few marbles you had rattling around in your head.

I don’t always understand the why of what He asks of me and sometimes I never find out. But this I do know. He has a plan, a plan for my good. He hasn’t failed me thus far, I’ve failed Him so much, but He’s always there to take my hand and lead me back to where I should be… with love, grace, mercy and forgiveness.

I encourage you to start asking the Lord if there is an area in your life you’re not being obedient… or if you’re not following Him where He is leading you. There is always grace to cover that. There’s grace to cover just being obedient too… even when it’s hard.

Struggle

The other night I struggled with something that I’ve not struggled with in a long time. And in such a way that makes me shake my head at the scope of it. I know, we’re human and we fall and we sin, but when you really think you have a handle on something and then it’s like you run into a brick wall…

What’s sad to me, and this is probably the reason I was hit with it, is I’ve told several people in the last week about how far I’ve come.

I really believe that I’ve overcome this struggle… not that I don’t always have to be watchful of it, cuz I always will, but there were strides that I’d made in the last few months that brought me so far. The Lord and I have had conversations about it all in the last few months. I’d come a long way.

I suffer from insomnia in a big way, but last night, I didn’t sleep because of this struggle, not because of the insomnia, and that is even more frustrating to me.

So, I was beating myself up for the first part, plus I was beating myself up because of the sleeping thing. I was all around beating myself up in so many ways. And I couldn’t stop. I kept praying, Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy. That was all I could pray.

Somewhere during the afternoon after my night of struggle, (there were a couple of other things going on that I was trying to deal with too, asking for mercy for those things too.) a wonderful friend of mine, IM’d me out of the blue and wanted to know how I was. I was VERY honest with her. She loved me, and showed me mercy, and told me to show myself mercy. After talking to her, I started to come out of the whole beat-myself-to-a-pulp stage. (All though, I’m still feeling the effects from that day.)

At the end of our convo she told me that she was in the middle of working and just felt like she was supposed to talk to me right then. I love how the Lord does that.

In the past, when I would struggle with this, it would keep me down for weeks. I would have a hard time receiving grace, mercy and forgiveness. I’m choosing to receive those things now instead of weeks down the line. I’m choosing to accept my Abba Father’s love for me… because I’m a daughter of the most high King. Will I struggle with this again? Probably. But that’s ok. I know where to turn when that happens. I know Who to go to for grace, mercy, love and forgiveness.

The wind

The wind is blowing
Can you feel it
Even now it blows

A gentle whisper
At the moment
But hold on
It’s a’coming

Boat rocking
Waves picking up

No land in sight
But wait for it

Wait for it and trust
Trust and wait
Wait and trust

Written by Heather Diane Tipton Jan '09

I can’t get a normal job to save myself at the moment. I’m doing assistant work for a couple of people. The Lord has been tremendously faithful in taking care of me and paying my bills. And by providing some pretty incredible people to walk with me on this journey.

I stopped being stressed about not having a job a couple of months ago. I don’t always know where my rent is coming from, but I know the One who is going to take care of it.

I’ve had some people come and go in my life recently. Some of them just can’t stand to watch my life… I guess to them, it’s a train wreck waiting to happen. Others, have hunkered down with me, ready to see where the Lord is leading in all this. I even have a few fascinated by how I live my life.

It’s not the easiest life… but I do think it’s the most rewarding… always relying on the Lord even when it goes against what everyone thinks you should do… heck even against what I think I should do at times.

In December for the first time, I felt truly at home in my condo. It was an incredible feeling. In the couple weeks… I’ve started thanking God for my life. I’m happy, I’m enjoying life. The little things and the big things. It’s not perfect, but it’s mine… and I’m following where the Lord is leading me. It’s an interesting journey to be sure. To steal a line from a dear friend… joy in the journey. Novel concept.

There are things that twist a knife in me almost every day. Things I can’t do anything about. I pray about them. Sometimes I cry about them. But that doesn’t change them.

They are things that won’t completely heal. And as much as I would like to harden my heart on the whole matter the Lord won’t let me. These things get thrown in my face on a regular basis, sometimes daily…sometimes more than that.

I hide the hurt from those around me and even encourage things that end up throwing it back in my face to hurt some more… but I believe I’m supposed to.

I ask the Lord why this isn’t something He will allow to heal instead of having salt thrown in it on a regular basis… but He’s silent on that.

So yet again, I’m surrendering the whole thing to Him. He obviously has a purpose in this. And if the rest of my life is any indicator… I know that is true.

So, I’m going to surrender it, continue doing what I feel led to do and trust that someday it won’t hurt so much.

What determines greatness?

I have felt from a very young age that I was going to do things that were pretty big. That they were birthed in me from before I was born. It’s an intricate part of who I am, and who I’m becoming. I believe those desires were placed there by the Lord.

But the wall I’ve come up against this week is maybe I was wrong. Maybe I’m not supposed to do those things.

I’ve also come against the whole, I’m a hack when it comes to everything I do. I know enough to be able to do many, many things, and I’m just smart enough to fake it if I don’t know how… just enough to get by and make people think I can do it. BUT I don’t have the talent to do any of those things well.

Maybe I’m supposed to help others do the great things. Be the Aaron to their Moses, so to speak.

Maybe I’m too scared to really see if I have any great talent… or to find out that I don’t.

None of that matters if I choose to surrender and trust the Lord with it all.

I choose.

In the last few days… I’ve had a migraine from hell, a sinus headache from same said place, nausea from the migraine and I lost my cookies in a spectacular way. Overall, I’ve been pretty miserable the last few days.

But at the same time, I’ve laughed a lot, hung out with two of my favorite people, Kim and Holly, watched a movie (or most of it, until I lost my cookies.) and just had a really good time.

So, yes this isn’t much of a blog post but I haven’t blogged in forever and thought I’d better…

I hope the start of 2009 has been a fabulous one for everyone. The Lord has been incredibly good to me, in how He continues to take care of me and provide for me in some miraculous ways. I’m really looking forward to the coming year… and hopefully I’ll blog more.

The Lord will take care of you, Has been whispered in my ear more times than I can count over the last few months. I’m still learning to trust in new ways.

I fully believe the Lord is going to take care of my rent and bills. But that doesn’t mean it is easy. While I trust Him to pay my bills, it’s hard for me to accept help from those that are giving it to me. I don’t expect it of them. Would never ask it of them. And yet they are giving it to me. And that is emotionally draining to me.

So yet again, there is another area I’m having to learn to trust Him in. That those friendships will be protected, that they won’t feel like they’re being used, that I’m not coming across as a moocher. That maybe I can be a blessing to those people even if I’m emotionally worn out.

The act of doing all you know to do… to satisfy yourself and everyone else around asking why you don’t have a job yet… is frustrating too. Especially, when you know the Lord is teaching you to trust…and that He isn’t going to miraculously provide you a job until He is good and ready. Meanwhile I apply for every job imaginable (I stopped counting at 300) in a very tight economy where no one seems to be hiring.
Holding back from those around you because you know they are probably having a harder time watching your life unfold than you are with dealing with it… is draining and hard.

The spiritual warfare has been pretty intense, especially the last eight or nine days. Hitting every area.

But in the midst of all of this I’ve had times of being truly happy (maybe it’s joy? Not well versed in either so I’m not sure.) and finally feeling completely at home in my home. Which is so incredibly awesome.

So again, taking the good with the bad… and still choosing to trust that the Lord will take care of me.

I’ve hated Christmas ever since I can remember. I’m not sure why. Hated everything about it. Yes, I know it’s about Christ’s birth… that I’m actually thankful for but it’s the rest that I didn’t like. The music would depress me or make my skin crawl… in fact that was my reaction to everything Christmas.

Tuesday night two weeks ago:

Holly yelled at me for not having anything hanging on my walls. Something about I’m acting like I won’t be staying for a long time so I’m not hanging things up.

Friday night:

Then, Kim asked me to spend the weekend at her house so that I could help her with certain things that she needed to get done. (Things that we never got to that weekend so I’m convinced it was a conspiracy!!) Instead, she started decorating her house for Christmas. As far as decorating for Christmas goes, Kim does it right. I ended up helping decorate three different trees as well as various other things that weekend. Me grumbling the whole way, Kim and Holly telling me I have to start liking Christmas. In one ear and out the other. Kim has a very annoying stuffed santa that sings and rocks in a rocking chair… she would periodically look at me, smirk and turn him on. Pure torture. They also were under the impression that I needed to decorate MY HOME for Christmas. Um, no. Especially not after helping decorate Kim’s. Never mind the whole money thing.

Sunday night:

I stayed at Niki’s house. And she too lectured me that hating Christmas was something I needed to let go of.

Monday through Friday:

I was at my best friend, Dineen’s house for Thanksgiving (A tradition that I totally LOVE!! Any time I get to hang out with her it’s wonderful!). She for some weird reason agreed with everyone else that I needed to let go of my past and embrace the whole Christmas thing. Sigh.

Friday night:

Flew back into Denver and stayed with Paula. On the way to her house, I’m telling her my Christmas torture woes of the last few days about how no one would leave me alone about it. And she says to me, “they’re right. You need to celebrate, and enjoy it. Let go of your past.” We get to her house and the goal was to watch a movie and just hang out since we never get to do that. Instead we talked. A lot. And boy am I glad we did. We talked about many things. At about midnight, we’re still talking but we’re both exhausted, our eyes are closed. I told her to go to bed. She said she was going to pray for me first. During the prayer time, she told me I need to learn to take up space. When I’m with people and when I’m in my home by myself.

Saturday morning:

On the way to meet Holly for her to take me home I causally throw out to Paula that maybe I should use a gift card to WalMart that I had been given to buy a few Christmas decorations. She started jumping up and down in her seat as she was driving saying, “Let’s find a Walmart right now!”

Um, I wanted more time to think about this little idea that wouldn’t leave me alone so that I could talk myself out of it naturally! But I can never say no to Paula… sadly she knows that! LOL

So we go to Walmart and I’m looking around at the Christmas stuff and I’m ok. I pick a fiber optic tree because you don’t have to decorate them. (Yeah, yeah, I was cheating, get over it! LOL) Holly calls and finds out we’re still at Walmart instead of the starbucks that we were supposed to meet her at so she joined us… and she was in shock that I was even doing what I was doing! A little after that, it started to get to me. My face got warm, my breathing was a little interesting and Holly looked at me and asked me if I was having a panic attack. Um, we needed to go.

By the time I got home that night I was exhausted and went to bed.

Sunday:

I woke up to three inches of snow. It was beautiful. I took a four-mile walk through the snow. Yes, it was the perfect excuse not to decorate yet. And naturally I found many more reasons not to decorate. It was midnight by the time I finally started… and even then I wouldn’t have done it if Jill wouldn’t have threatened my life.
When I was done. I looked around…

And wanted a real tree that I actually had to decorate. (Go ahead, pick yourselves up off the floor, I’ll wait for you.)

I’ve listened to Christmas music the last few days and actually enjoyed it.

So do I like Christmas now?

Eh, I don’t hate it. It doesn’t make my skin crawl.

Progress, folks, progress.

trust

What do you do when you’ve done all you know to do? You trust.

What do you do when there looks like there are no answers? You trust.

What do you do when the Lord places someone in your life that the friendship dynamics is like nothing you’ve ever experienced? You trust.

What do you do when you are tired? You trust.

What do you do when you have no peace? You trust

It all comes down to trust, no matter what I am facing, if I’m not trusting, I should just give up now.

I’ve learned trust in new ways lately… and relearned trust in old ways. I am continually learning to trust.

It’s not simple task for me. I don’t trust that easy. I do know, the Lord taught me to trust people first, knowing that I needed to have that to learn to trust Him. I’m still not good with either, trusting him, or people. But I’m learning. And I’m trying. I have a feeling it’s not something I’ll ever stop learning.

Be blessed.

What do you do when a friend of yours tells one of their good friends that they don’t know if they’ll ever have another friendship like theirs because they just can’t invest in another friendship? Let it seep into your very being and take root, put up walls to protect yourself from ever getting hurt by this person? Or continue being the greatest friend you can be even if you never get any return from it? I choose the latter.

What do you do when you get told in no uncertain terms that you suck as a human being? Take it all as your own and let it bury you? Or own what is yours to own, ask forgiveness and leave the rest? I choose the latter.

What do you do when a good friend is going through hell and you can’t be there for them? Moan and complain, and berate yourself? Or do what you can from where you are, making sure they know you love them and are praying for them? I choose the latter.

What do you do when your past mistakes come back to haunt you even after asking forgiveness and repenting of them? Wallow in what an idiot you were/are and beat yourself up? Or remind yourself you are not who you were? I choose the latter.

What do you do when you are presented with an opportunity, which you’re not qualified for? Turn it down and beat yourself up for being stupid? Or lean on the One through who all things are possible? I choose the latter.

What do you do when you’re faced with insurmountable odds? Lie down and die? Or remember that you’re a child of the most High King? I choose the latter.

The last few months have been... interesting, to say the least. But through it all, I'm learning to lean on the One who created me, trust in the One who has brought me this far, and learn who I'm continually becoming...

Before I had the money to pay my rent…

Me: “Um, Lord, do you know my rent is due on the 1st? and that I haven’t been able to get a job yet?”

Him: sigh, rolls His eyes, “Didn’t we just go over this?”

Me: “Oh. Right. I trust you, I trust you!”

By the grace of God, I got the money to pay my rent.

Me: “Thank you thank you thank you thank you, Lord! Um, Lord, I need to pay my cell bill in like a week and a half…”

Him: sigh, rolls His eyes, “Didn’t we just go over this?”

Me: “Oh. Right. I trust you, I trust you!”

Someone sent me a check after feeling led to do so that covers my cell bill.

Me: “Thank you thank you thank you thank you, Lord! Um, Lord, I still have no job and I will need to pay rent on the first again…”

Him: sigh, rolls His eyes, “Didn’t we just go over this?”

Me: “Oh. Right. I trust you, I trust you!”

An assistant job was offered to me, for two weeks.

Me: “Okay, Lord, I feel like You want me to take this job, but You know it won’t pay my rent. But that’s not my problem, it’s Yours. You’re the One that keeps telling me You’ll take care of me!”

And that ladies and gentlemen is a slight sign of growth! LOL

ACFW conference

I got back from the ACFW conference last Sunday. This was a very hard conference for me and I’m not entirely sure why.

I knew I was supposed to go, that the Lord led me to go, but I still don’t know why…. And trust me I’ve asked Him over and over.

I had thought for some weird reason that maybe some burnt bridges would be rebuilt and that didn’t happen.

I’d thought I was going to get some really great one on one time with some of my favorite people and that didn’t happen.

I’d thought it was going to be nice and relaxing, and that didn’t happen, I spent the majority of the conference with an excruciating migraine that just walking around was a chore…let alone connecting with people.

I thought I would be able to chat with some really cool people that I usually only chat with at conference and that didn’t happen.

I’ve been told I’m a great networker… not at this conference. Every conference I’ve come away with new friends and new connections. I’m pretty sure I didn’t come away with even one new one this year. (and if I did, I don’t remember it because of the migraine I had.)

I went expecting the worship to be amazing like it is every year and in that I wasn’t disappointed. Rachel Hauck and her team, like every year past was totally amazing. One night during a worship session, I did some pretty major spiritual warfare… I’m not sure what that was all about but I do know I felt a breakthrough and some freedom come from it.

I came away with new direction for my writing, which I totally wasn’t expecting. Now I just have to figure out how to go about it. =)

An interesting door opened up for me there I wasn’t expecting, effectively letting me shut a door that I was not comfortable with.

I got an $18 tip for buying a friend a diet Dr Pepper. =)

I’m not sure why I was there. It felt like I wasn’t even there when I was there. Like I was on the outside looking in.

I don’t know why I was there, but I do know I was supposed to be there, and I’m going to trust my Lord that there was a purpose to me being there even if I did come away feeling icky. Because my Lord has a plan for me. Plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future.